Month: April 2013

BDSMmmm…..

Let me explain a little more about my experiences with BDSM.

I’m not into the whole “pain” aspect of it. I dabble in dominant/submissive play and I’m what one of my kinky friends calls a “sensation whore”. I like things like electric shock and sensual massage.

I admit I DO like a little pain while having sex, but that’s mostly a vaginal thing, not really pain on any part of my body.

I like rope because it’s like art. The intricate knots and elaborate ties are masterworks and I love to be the canvas on which the art is created.

I know rope can be sensual but I’ve yet to experience that side of it, though I hope to one day get the opportunity too. I’ve witnessed a few sensual rope scenes and they are incredibly erotic and beautiful and arousing. I watched a professional rigger cut the clothes off one of my friends with a pocket knife then roughly tie her up with force and intent but with concern for her safety at all times and then passionately touch and kiss her. It was incredible.

I was jealous, I admit, because the passion in the scene was so evident and I longed for that. I do have that passion in my life now, as opposed to not having it then, but I still hope to incorporate rope back into my life at some point, and to hopefully incorporate it into my sex life with my boyfriend.

I would like to tie him up and be tied up by him.

In the realm of D/s, I have a story I wrote about my foray with my boyfriend into it, and I may post that here for you to read, though I warn you it is very erotic, as it is erotica after all.

I also recently came into possession of a copy of a book called “A Little Bit Kinky”, so keep an eye out for that too. πŸ˜‰

Ah My Goddess!

When I am overly medicated (aka when I take too much of certain medications of mine), I become an absolute sex GODDESS. And it’s AMAZING.

I get loopy and let go of my inhibitions and just seem to forget about everything that holds me back during sex. I just go for it and actually WANT it and enjoy it more so than usual.

It still does hurt, but less so than usual, and I actually kinda like the pain. I am a little bit of a masochist, but especially when I’m all messed up on either medication or alcohol, because alcohol can have the same effect on me in the right dosage.

The reason I bring this topic up is because I want to be able to feel this way while I’m sober. I want to be this incredible sexy being, full of raw sexual energy who just RADIATES sexuality and actually DESIRES being sexual. Now, I don’t expect or even WANT to feel that way 24/7, 365. I would take going into “sex goddess” mode only once a week, or hell, even once a month, without having to use/abuse potentially toxic substances.

And that’s my goal in this whole sexuality journey. To get to that “sex goddess” point.

I feel GOOD when I get into that mode, and I would LOVE to be as free as I am in that mindset in my regular life. I have no reservations, nothing holding me back. It’s wonderful. I crave that feeling like no one else, that carefree, balls-to-the-wall, throw-my-cares-to-the-wind state of existence. CRAVE it. Feeling that good is like a drug in itself, and like I said, I’m hoping to find a way to achieve that naturally and healthily in my every day, ordinary, normal life.

And I would love to hear your experiences on this topic. Have you ever had this happen to you? Have you ever found any natural ways to reproduce this divine feeling? I want to hear your stories and your opinions and your advice!

Book Review #1

Love, the verb, is a constant practice of feeling compassion, giving the benefit of the doubt, and remembering to feed our goals and desires, as well as those of the people we love. ~ Wendy Strgar

This is a quote from the book I just finished reading, Love That Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy by Wendy Strgar.

I won a contest and got a ton of the products from the author’s line of intimate care products called Good Clean Love and the book itself, which is signed by the author herself.

I really like that quote as I feel it’s a good definition of love. I was struggling with how to write a post on what I felt love is and what defines it, and then I came across that line in the book, and it really struck me.

The book emphasizes holding compassionate and good thoughts about the ones we love, and also remembering all the reasons we love those people at all times, especially during the difficult and trouble-filled periods and finding reasons to stay in our relationships.

She also talks about how relationships don’t exist to make us happy or to fulfill us or make us content of any of that, but that they are vessels in teaching us how to love and to show us our capacity to love. Love always shapes us int who we want to be and shows us the better person we can become because of it.

I also agree with something in the book that love is sometimes about putting the other person’s needs before your own, and that you have to accept that the person you’re with isn’t perfect and that the love you have won’t always what you expect it or even want it to be, but that you have to learn to MAKE it into what you want and need through the “ecology of love”.

The “ecology of love” as she calls it is broken up into four catergories: earth/ground, air, water, and fire. The ground of love is our thoughts and thought processes. The air is communication and our ability to communicate. The water is in how we show up for each other in each others’ lives and the “ebb and flow” of “togetherness”. And the fire is physical intimacy.

The book is broken up into chapters deal with each of the elements of the ecology/environment of love and includes stories of couples that relate to whatever topic her short essays, which comprise the book, deal with.

She also includes chapters on sex toys, lubricants, sex books, orgasms, and pheremones.

Another quote I really identified with from her book was: “We all see things as we are, rather than as they are.”

I really can see this in the group of people I hang out with, both coworkers and friends and family (though my coworkers are also both friends and like family to me too).

It’s obvious that people put their own spins on stories I tell or events I relate when they give me their opinion or advice or thoughts on whatever it is I happen to be talking about. They speak from their own experiences and their own personalities as opposed to what the actual situation is. I don’t judge them or get upset with them for it though, I merely just accept it as how they are and as something to observe and learn from.

Here’s another quotation from the text that I think applies to the ultimate goal of this blog, for me: “Feeling sexy is not something that someone gives us; it is a gift we give ourselves, and the responsibility for it is our own.”

That is something I’m trying to do, through this blog and through therapy and through my own readings and research. She just puts it so eloquently. I know that it’s not my boyfriend’s place to heal my broken sexuality, it’s mine, and that’s what I’m seeking to do.

More from the book: “Still, I want to acknowledge that even after opening to touch, getting on the road to sexual passion requires a mental leap. There is no other place in life that generates the kind of abandon and wildness that our sexuality does. It requires a letting go of the rational and, to a certain extent, our perceived ability to control outcomes”

Another gem: ” Emotions are not actually thoughts running around your brain, although this is how we often describe them; they are actually visceral experiences that live in one’s body, as true as chills on a windy night or burning skin under a summer sun.”

Another that struck me: “A physical conversation requires a willingness to be vulnerable enough to be touched, to allow your body to truly feel someone with you.”

I think I have a problem in being vulnerable enough to allow myself to be truly open when it comes to sex and sexuality. I feel obligated to be sexual, instead of truly wanting it, and I think this stems from my molestation. I’m afraid of allowing myself to be open and vulnerable because I’m afraid of being hurt and devastated again and completely ripped apart, which is a huge fear I have when it comes to my boyfriend. I’m afraid he’s going to break me by leaving me or severely hurting me emotionally.

“Finding comfort with our sexual selves is one of the most genuine, intimate and life-affirming ways we can know ourselves.”

She also talks a little about BDSM and being willing to experience pleasure as well as pain in the process of loving other people. She talks about masturbation and the stigmas that surround it, as well as the benefits of self-love in the physical sense. She even encourages tantric sex.

I found this book very informative, but I also thought a lot of it was common sense for anyone who knows anything about psychology or relationships or sexuality. I still liked her short essays and the quotes she chose to use and the books she referenced.

I give this book a 4 out of five.

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Turn Me ON

ON is a company whose product we carry in the store. Their “claim to fame” was their awesomesauce clitoral stimulant which is made up of all natural oils and creates intense sensations.

My mom personally LOVES the stuff and it was designed with women going through menopause in mind, so it’s made to be powerful. I have actually never used it yet, as I had a terrible experience with a similar product from a different company, but I DO have samples of the ON clit stim that I plan on using soon, of which I will post a review, of course. πŸ˜‰

But it’s ON’s newest product that I really came here to talk about. It’s a libido enhancing cream made specifically for women, and I purchased a bottle when we got it in to test it out for myself. I wanted to see if it could rev up my diminished sex drive.

I’ve been using it for over a month now, applying one pump of cream to my tummy area once a day (except for three days when I either didn’t have it with me or just plain forgot to put it on). And I have to say…I’m rather impressed.

It’s given me back the desire to want to have sex, though I don’t get “super horny” or anything like that. I don’t feel the overwhelming urge to have an orgasm, which is what a lot of people expect out of products like this. It just makes me ready and willing to share in sex with my partner.

And the sex has been GOOD.

Not to be TMI, or anything, but I’m wetter and more into it and it’s less painful and more enjoyable. Overall, it’s all around GREAT!

I hope to continue to see more improvements as I continue to use the product, but so far it’s been excellent, in that my medications for my myriad of illnesses, of which there are plenty, have stripped me of my desire and now I can finally feel it coming back to life.

I would highly recommend this product to any woman who is struggling with loss of desire and low libido, as it’s done wonders for me.

I sold a bottle to a young woman recently after telling her about my experiences with the product and sharing a little of my sexual dysfunction story, and I’m hoping she comes back to tell me she had just as great of a reaction, if not even better, as I did.

I give this product a five out of a five rating. It’s fabulous and fantastic.

Rock ON!

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Knotty Girl

My boyfriend, during the course of our relationship, moved to Seattle, WA for about three years to find himself and do some growing up. Though the separation was painful, it allowed up both to grow, as individuals and as a couple, in ways that we would never otherwise have gotten the chance to.

While he was out there, he became interested in “the lifestyle”, otherwise commonly known as BDSM. I began working at the sex store around this time, so endeavored to discover all I could about BDSM in order to share in this new found interest of my lover’s.

This isn’t a post to educate about BDSM though. This is just to share my experience with it. I encourage anyone who wants to learn more to do some research and I’ll even review a book a two down the line here in this blog that I think are good for getting into the lifestyle or just for learning more about it.

Anyway, back to the story. Lol.

I discovered there was a local BDSM group in my town and I decided to go to one of their public meetings and see what it was all about, especially because the meeting was being held at my store, so I felt comfortable with the idea of being at my place of work.

That’s how I became involved in rope.

My boyfriend, who is actually my fiance but I just still say boyfriend until concrete wedding plans are laid down πŸ˜‰ , was high interested in the rope tying aspect of BDSM, so I joined the sect of the BDSM group here that dealt with that.

I was overwhelmed by the kindness and acceptance I received from the lovely people of both the regular BDSM group and the rope group and I was NEVER pushed to do anything outside of my comfort zone. I was never asked to take off my clothes, EVER, and my health problems, of which there are a myriad, were respected and even made priority when it came to tying me up.

My rigger, or the person tying me up primarily, was a middle-aged guy who was kind, compassionate, and had a penchant for wearing kilts. ol. He was hilarious and charming and now lives in the upstate with his mate. He was never anything but gentle and concerned when he tied me up, and he created some seriously stunning pieces of art on my body.

I have recently been not attending much of the groups events, both rope and regular, and I’ve been working a TON and my boyfriend moved back home about a year ago and seems to have lost most of his interest in the lifestyle, which I am completely okay with and accepting of.

The community still accepts me as one of it’s own though and welcomes me to events if I ever get the chance to go. These people have really opened my eyes to the kinky side of sexuality and showed me that it’s okay and even wonderful to be different sexually and that it doesn’t have to always be just normal or “vanilla”. They’ve helped me become more accepting of sexuality as a whole and not to be ashamed of it, but to embrace and cherish it and to actually LOVE it.

For that, I thank them. Immensely.

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Why Am I Doing This?

I got asked by a friend of mine, in regards to this blog, if I am nervous about putting myself out here so publicly.

I’m sure many of you reading what I write here are curious and ask the same question yourselves, so I wanted to answer it. Publicly.

I’m doing this in the hopes that I can help other people like me who suffer from sexual dysfunction and struggle with their sexuality and with sex. I want to share my journey with others to show them that they too can make this journey themselves and find a way to embrace and love their sexual sides.

I also wanted a place where I could share the things I learn through my schooling on my way to become a sex therapist in the hopes of helping people as well.

This whole blog was inspired by another dear friend of mine coming to be for advice on how to deal with her own struggles with her sexuality as I seem, to the common observer, someone who is very confident and secure in her sexuality, when in reality, I’m not.

So this is for you Rachel. Thank you for giving me this great idea and I hope that along this journey, I can help you and others and inspire you and move you and touch you and even heal you, even if only a little.

Stripped Bare

So tonight was Ladies’ Night. And it was just as wild as I thought it would be. Women all over the dancers…but also the dancers all over the women and touching them in ways I would have slapped the shit out of them if they had done that to me and giving lap dances and being ALL OVER these women. It was just like…damn, really? Lol.

I admit, I got a lap dance from the guy I found the cutest out of the three strippers who came to perform. My boss basically forced me to by shoving $5 in my hand and telling me to get up on stage. Lol. She’s cool. Her boyfriend is the owner of the stripper company we hired. He also performs with his group and gave her a lap dance of her own. Hehe.

My dance was…interesting? I guess you could say that. Lol. I giggled the whole time and just found the whole thing funny, really. It just seems like an absurd thing to do, rubbing your junk all up on some girl you don’t even know and being all sexy on her. It just makes me laugh, because it’s obviously so fake. There’s no passion, no, well…love… And that’s what makes it so comical for me.

He WAS a really hot dude with a banging body, and i do admit to fantasizing about what sex with him would be like, but only for a brief moment before I go back to fantasizing about sex with my lovely boyfriend who doesn’t mind that we have to take it slow because it hurts me and who DOES have passion and love. Granted, his body isn’t perfect, but neither is mine, and I love him just the way he is.

Over all, it was a good night, and the lap dance experience wasn’t so bad, though I wasn’t really “turned on” or anything by it, just mostly amused and gleeful that I actually got to touch such a wonderful looking body. Lol. Because the stripper basically FORCED me to touch him by grabbing my hands and putting them on his ass while he kissed up on my neck. Yeah… Lol. I was trying to be respectful and NOT touch him, but he circumvented that, obviously. :-p

I was a little grossed out and disgusted with the fact that he was rubbing his stuff all over me and leaning into me and pressing his skin to my skin. I’m not comfortable with that kind of intimacy with someone I don’t know or care for deeply, but it was a significant decrease in the level of grossed-out-ness I felt, and I was able to actually enjoy myself instead of being just totally disgusted. πŸ™‚

Yah progress! And strippers who are hawt! And nice and friendly and a little flirty…. πŸ˜‰

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

For the sake of finding my sexuality, I did something I thought I would never do in 2011…

Nude modeling.

I wanted to feel sexy and beautiful and desirable, and the photographer was a total professional who put me at ease and insisted on doing everything possible to increase my comfort level, from letting me bring a bottle of wine to loosen up my nerves to no vag shots to demanding I bring an escort (my very best friend in the whole wide world).

But while I found his other work absolutely stunning, I was disappointed when I received my photos. I felt he had focused on my flaws and I thought I looked ugly and fat and gross. I was ashamed of myself and my body and felt regret at having even taken the photos.

It wasn’t until this current year that I revisited those pictures and, to my surprise, I now found them beautiful and stunning.

And on a whim, I set up an appointment with the same photographer to be photographed again…nude, of course. πŸ˜‰

Yes, I HAD gained weight since that first photoshoot, and yes I WAS worried about how that would come across in the pictures, but I had also gained something else since that first shoot…self confidence.

And I went into that second shoot and I ROCKED it.

The photos turned out amazing and I was floored by the beauty I saw portrayed by myself in them. I felt a new respect for myself and a pride I had never felt before. I felt SELF WORTH. And it was totally worth it. It helped me feel sexy and enhanced my view of myself as a sexual being.

I wouldn’t take back either experience for anything, because both taught me something. I learned to appreciate myself and my body and I was now able to see a side of myself in a positive light that had previously been cast in shadows and darkness and in which I had been engulfed in the negative for so long.

Both shoots were stepping stones in my journey to reclaiming my lost sexuality, and I am eternally grateful for the experiences I was allowed to have through them.

**I wanted to include one of the photographs from my most recent shoot with him in this post, but I don’t know how to make the photo only available to people over 18, as I’m obviously nude in it, so that’ll just have to wait until I can get my friend to help me revamp this blog and make it more personalized and professional looking and such.**

*****Figured out how to add the pic and be allowed to do it. This is my favorite photo from my second session.*****

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Oh Yes It’s Ladies’ Night, And the Feelings Right…

Or not quite…

Tomorrow night my store is hosting an event we call Ladies Night, where we will have drinks, appetizers, vendors raffling off prizes and talking about their products and doing demonstrations and such, and….

Male strippers.

There’s nothing quite like being surrounded by hordes of horny ass women fawning all over half-naked men that makes one really uncomfortable with their own state of sexuality, especially someone who already has issues with sex.

I’m not a prude by any means, but it is a little unsettling to watch how these women paw these men in ways that NO man would ever be allowed to do to a female stripper without being immediately pummeled by security and bouncers and then subsequently arrested by the police for sexual harassment or assault.

But I do enjoy our Ladies’ Nights because I get to help out women who are usually too timid to come into our store on their own during regular business times or who have just never ventured in for some reason or another. It brings me great joy to be able to assist women (and men, but men aren’t allowed at the event, except for the security peeps and the strippers) in bettering their sex lives and bringing more joy and happiness (haha, that’s a Kandi Burress sex toy, the Happiness and Joy) to them, even if it’s in a small way. πŸ™‚

I also went to training today for my job, to learn more about the products we carry from the vendors themselves, and I received a good amount of swag that I’m looking forward to trying out. Whenever I try out a new product, I’m going to write a review on it here in this blog. In fact, there’s a certain product I’m trying out now that I’ll post an entry about within the week, though I’m still in the process of trying it out, so I might need to wait a bit longer before doing a review so I can have the complete experience before I pass my judgement on it…. Lol.

Allow Me to Introduce…Myself

This is my story. My journey about finding myself and my sexuality and coming to terms with what that means to me and about me.

I grew up in a home where there was little love shown between my parents and my father pawed and groped my mother in front of my sister and I from a young age, with my mother fending him off and trying to convey to him that his sexual advances on her in front of their children was inappropriate and unwanted. My father is also a sexist and believe women live to serve men and prioritizes sex over almost everything else. He is crude and derogatory and emotionally abusive.

I was molested by my best guy friend at the age of sixteen. I was staying at his house, as I had numerous other times before, and he pinned me down and fingered me while I cried silently. My body reacted as any virgin’s would, responding to the stimulation. Because of this, I feel disgust and shame and guilt with any kind of sexual stimulation.

I also feel guilt and shame and disgust at sex because of my father, believing as a child that all men wanted from women was sex and that sex was dirty and vile and something bad.

Because of my issues regarding sex, it took me over a year to do anything sexual in nature with my long-term, committed high-school sweetheart. It took over three years and us getting engaged and was even six months after the proposal before I would have intercourse with him.

Also, sex is very painful for me, and I believe most of it is a mental issue/problem as I’ve been told by multiple gynos that I have a normal, healthy vagina, except for a tilted uterus which can make deep penetration uncomfortable, and that I should be able to have sex normally. Except, well, I can’t. So something is obviously wrong and if it’s not physical, it must be mental.

In recent years, I’ve been able to have sex more easily, even though it’s still painful and uncomfortable, because I enjoy giving pleasure to the man I love and sharing that connection with him and the feeling of “being one” with him, but acts of sexuality still fill me with a deep revulsion.

I work in an adult store selling sex toys. lingerie, lubes, and other novelty items, which is an ironic and funny thing considering my issues with sex itself. It seems that OTHER people having sex doesn’t bother me, and I completely accept and encourage the sexuality and sexual explorations of others, it’s just my OWN sexuality that I have a problem with.

I’m also hoping to go back to school to study psychology and become a sex therapist to help people with issues like mine or just issues with sex in general and couples as well. It’s also been a dream of mine to be a psychologist and to offer the help I so desperately long to give the people closest to me, like my deranged father.

I’m also hoping to start therapy myself with an experienced therapist who specializes in dealing with people with sexual issues, to help me in overcoming the mental obstacles I have in my way when it comes to my own sex life and attitudes and beliefs and thoughts I have towards sex.

I will write about my struggles, my therapy, my schooling, my job, articles and books I read that appeal to me or move me or inspire me or even piss me off. I invite you to join me on my exploration of my inner workings and to come along as I embark on this journey to reclaim not only my sexuality, but my life.