Self Review

(Ir)Respons(ible)

What are your thoughts on the article? it doesn’t seem to recommend doing it, with all the emotional turmoil that becomes involved.

Good question, Mary.

Here are some excerpts from the article that I think apply to me personally:
  • “Having sex with an ex could put people in a position of technically being broken up, but still emotionally connected…”
  • “Those who stay in contact following a breakup continue to feel the pain of the breakup more intensely and may have more difficulty moving on…”

It also says that college kids describe “ex sex” as a “difficult or negative event” in their lives.

All that being said, here’s where I stand:

I love him. Plain and simple. I love him with all of my heart. All of my soul. All of my entire being. Yes, he is a fucking douche bag. But he is MY fucking douche bag. I want to be with him. I just don’t want to hurt because of it. I want him to be a better person than he was and still is now, just like I’m trying to be a better person than I used to be. I like to think I’m doing a good job of that. He on the other hand? Sometimes good, sometimes not so good… Sigh.

So yes, we are still technically broken up but emotionally connected. We still act like a couple when we’re together. I still feel like he’s my fiance when we’re together, like he’s my partner, my companion. But then he gets up and leaves as speedily as he can right after we finish our sexual activities and I’m left in the wake of devastation. I feel unimportant to him. Like I don’t matter. But that’s how I felt pretty much our entire relationship too. I don’t know why it hurts so much more NOW than it did THEN, when we were ACTUALLY IN A RELATIONSHIP. :-p I guess it’s because when we were in the relationship, I at least knew he was still mine, even if I wasn’t that important. He was still with me. But now? Now I’m not important and he’s not with me. So it’s like double the hurt.

But I’m so desperate to keep him close to me. Even if sex with him ends up being terrible for my emotional state of being, if it keeps him from seeing other girls or being with other girls, then it’s worth it to me. I’m used to being emotionally desolate anyway. It comes from having an emotionally abusive father your entire life. Even until this very day. *shrugs*

And yes, I DO feel the pain of the “break up” more intensely because we’re still having sex and I’m not moving on because of it, but it’s also because I DON’T WANT to move on. And I also feel things more intensely anyway, so that’s just par for the course for me, being an empath and bipolar and emotionally sensitive and all. :-p It doesn’t really FEEL like a “break up”, to be honest. It feels more like a “break”, but he’s just calling it a “break up” because he bad-mouthed me so badly to his friends and family that if they knew he was still seeing me and trying to kinda-sorta patch things up with me, they would probably be a little confused and maybe a bit pissed (his family especially). He would have to eat crow if we technically “got back together”. So I think that’s why he’s putting it off for as long as he can. Because he’s scared of the consequences of his actions. Just like always. Because that’s just how he is.

So folks, there you have it. The “whole” story, as best I can tell it right this moment in response to Mary’s question and the article in question. Hope that sheds some light on some things and if you think I’m being a total dumbass when it comes to Eric, you are probably right, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m going to do what I’m going to do. *shrugs* The heart wants what the hearts wants, and the heart always gets what it wants when it comes to me. I don’t use rationale much. :-p

Mandy out!

Lifting the Cloud of Despair

Written 2014.

 

Sometimes, I question why I want to become a therapist/psychologist at all. There are just days where listening to the fucked-up problems of the people around me is just too much for me, too overwhelming, too emotionally taxing. It drains me and leaves me feeling empty and hallow. It strains me and takes too much out of me some days, and I’m not sure if that’s because we’re messing with my meds again or that I just am not cut out for this job. But then I remember my natural talent and gift for this, how easily it comes to me to analyze people emotionally. And how I want to help people, help them overcome their fucked-up lives and start newer, better ones, healthier ones. I want to help make people happy and more satisfied with their lives. I also think I need to work on investing my time and energy into building relationships with people, be that friends or clients or future clients or coworkers or sponsors or bosses or family members or even my own fiance. I need to start being more involved with people instead of distancing myself because I get overwhelmed trying to deal with all of their stuff on top of the stuff I go through internally myself. I need to be more invested in others when I’m with them then I am with myself. I know, I know, I have to watch out for myself and take care of myself and protect and guard myself from potentially dangerous situations, but I also think I’m letting it get a little out of hand in just being way too invested in myself all the time without regards to others. I’m going to be encountering some pretty traumatizing stuff in that therapy room when I become a therapist, particularly a sex therapist, and I’ve got to learn, to steal a like from Frozen (which EVERYONE seems to be talking about now-a-days), to “LETTTT ITTTTTTTT GOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!” when I’m not in the room and to not carry it home with me and let it weigh me down too much and burden me to the point of having a mental breakdown. :-p And can you believe I still have not seen Frozen yet? πŸ˜‰

Say Cheese!

I’m trying to get back into modeling…particularly nude modeling. It seems it’s what I’m best at and I think I look better unclothed than clothed anyway. Plus, I think the naked body is a work of art and should be celebrated, as I might have mentioned before in here. If I have, it bares repeating. If not, well, know you know. Lol.

I’m also trying to publish a book of my poetry. I’m going to have to go the self-publishing route, as not many agents take poetry clients these days, which really sucks, but c’est la vie. *shrugs* I don’t know how much it’s going to cost to print books, but I have a feeling it’s NOT going to be cheap, and having no job because I’m pretty much disabled due to fibromyalgia and bipolar and clinical depression, I’m having to rely on the good will and kindness and generosity of my mother who is helping me out. But I’ve got other expenses too, like medications and doctors visits and therapy appointments, plus I can’t help but order stuff I probably really don’t need but that I really want because buying things for myself makes me feel better emotionally. Blah. So not sure when the book is actually going to happen.

I have a website: mandystone.net

Check it out if you’d like. There’s a link to my portfolio from my modeling on there.

But I need to update it because the last pictures I have are from 2013 and that’s not an accurate representation of what I look like now. I’ve been trying to schedule a shoot with this really talented photographer who is from out of town and is coming into town in the coming weeks, but I don’t want to go alone, and Eric is the only one I trust to be with me during shoots because he’s the only one I feel comfortable modeling around. And Eric is being flippant about helping me out and committing to a date so I can schedule with the photographer. He doesn’t seem to understand that it can’t just be a last minute thing. I can’t just say say to the photographer, “Oh, hey, hope you’re not busy, I can come by this evening!” the day of. *headdesk*

Eric just doesn’t want to ask his dad for an evening off because his dad would be curious why he needs an evening off and Eric doesn’t want his family to know he’s still in contact with me in any fashion, even though he’s more than willing to rush over here to fuck me multiple times a week. Sigh. I’m just his “dirty little secret”…and I don’t like it one damn bit. But that’s a whole other story.

I also have an amateur photographer who wants to do a nude shoot and wouldn’t mind taking pics of me doing naughty things to Eric, if Eric’s willing, and Eric’s face wouldn’t even have to be in the shots, just his perfect penis, which deserves to be photographed and which I would be honored to have nice photos of me worshiping it. πŸ˜‰

I’m just frustrated because I’m very unhappy with my body as it is right now. I’m at the highest weight I’ve EVER been at and I feel ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING. I have fucking STRETCH MARKS for crying out loud! I have NEVER had stretch marks! I nearly had a fucking heart attack when I saw those horrible horrible things on my thighs and about cried when I realized they were on the UNDERSIDE of my tummy too, because my tummy actually HAS an underside because it’s like a gigantic roll. Ugh. I apologize for my venting about my abhorrence of my body, it’s just been building up inside of me since I decided to start trying to model again. I’m afraid the photographers will see me and decide there’s just no way they can make me look good in photos and just cancel the shoot all together. 😦

I’ve also got cellulite on my ass. CELLULITE. WHAT THE FUCK?! Again, I have NEVER EVER dealt with that before in my ENTIRE life! So I started using a cream by the company System JO called the JO Maximizer Shaping Cream that’s supposed to help grow your boobs and tone your butt. I’m hoping it’ll do both for me, to a wonderful degree. I’ll let you know how it works.

I guess I just needed to vent and talk about wanting to nude model and look good while doing it. I just don’t want to make terrible and bad pictures. 😦

But I’ll leave on a good note. Here’s a work of art that my friend did for me that is very very naughty. I wish I looked like this in real life! Lol!

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