Oral Fixation

I love this man’s penis. OMG.

I gave Eric such an amazing blowjob that he said was so intense he didn’t think he would be able to fuck me afterwards because he just couldn’t get hard enough. That’s saying something. He is ALWAYS hard around me. He practically wants to fuck me constantly. Or at least my mouth. Haha. Oral is his favorite thing EVER. And boy, did I ever deliver! 😉

I didn’t just do the routine stuff I usually do when I give him oral. And that’s what I usually do, I treat it like a routine, not something fun and arousing and intimate and sexy. Except I’ve been getting more and more into it recently. And this time, I REALLY got into it.

I teased and bit and dragged my teeth lightly across flesh and suctioned and did all sorts of techniques that I haven’t done in forever and that I remembered he really enjoyed. I just wanted to please him, and I was having fun myself doing that. He likes it when I look at him while I suck his cock, so I gave him sexy eyes and doe eyes while pleasuring him. He was in HEAVEN. Haha.

I have a theory that because I was trained as a classic vocalist and a choral singer my whole life, that that might be why I’m so good at giving head. We were taught to open our mouths and throats wide and to use our tongues more than our lips to sing words. 😉

I felt like a sex goddess, and he even said that whoever had said that the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach obviously had never gotten a blowjob and that the REAL way to a man’s heart was through his penis. LOL! He’s so silly. Haha.

He seems to like oral more than sex. He recently complained that we had been having sex a lot lately and he would rather me give him oral than for us to have sex. Lol.

And while we’re on the subject of oral, we also recently were able to get his ENTIRE MASSIVE PENIS into my throat. Yes, it did hurt. Like a bitch. My throat was still sore and hurting for quite a while afterwards (as in days), but at least we now know that it’s possible for me to do and I just have to train my throat to open wider to accept that beautifully gigantic cock all the way in. 😉

And BECAUSE I did that, THAT is why he owes me a session with the Menage a Trois harness. 😉

As Eric likes to say, I AM THE COCK QUEEN!!!!! ❤ ❤ ❤


What are your thoughts on the article? it doesn’t seem to recommend doing it, with all the emotional turmoil that becomes involved.

Good question, Mary.

Here are some excerpts from the article that I think apply to me personally:
  • “Having sex with an ex could put people in a position of technically being broken up, but still emotionally connected…”
  • “Those who stay in contact following a breakup continue to feel the pain of the breakup more intensely and may have more difficulty moving on…”

It also says that college kids describe “ex sex” as a “difficult or negative event” in their lives.

All that being said, here’s where I stand:

I love him. Plain and simple. I love him with all of my heart. All of my soul. All of my entire being. Yes, he is a fucking douche bag. But he is MY fucking douche bag. I want to be with him. I just don’t want to hurt because of it. I want him to be a better person than he was and still is now, just like I’m trying to be a better person than I used to be. I like to think I’m doing a good job of that. He on the other hand? Sometimes good, sometimes not so good… Sigh.

So yes, we are still technically broken up but emotionally connected. We still act like a couple when we’re together. I still feel like he’s my fiance when we’re together, like he’s my partner, my companion. But then he gets up and leaves as speedily as he can right after we finish our sexual activities and I’m left in the wake of devastation. I feel unimportant to him. Like I don’t matter. But that’s how I felt pretty much our entire relationship too. I don’t know why it hurts so much more NOW than it did THEN, when we were ACTUALLY IN A RELATIONSHIP. :-p I guess it’s because when we were in the relationship, I at least knew he was still mine, even if I wasn’t that important. He was still with me. But now? Now I’m not important and he’s not with me. So it’s like double the hurt.

But I’m so desperate to keep him close to me. Even if sex with him ends up being terrible for my emotional state of being, if it keeps him from seeing other girls or being with other girls, then it’s worth it to me. I’m used to being emotionally desolate anyway. It comes from having an emotionally abusive father your entire life. Even until this very day. *shrugs*

And yes, I DO feel the pain of the “break up” more intensely because we’re still having sex and I’m not moving on because of it, but it’s also because I DON’T WANT to move on. And I also feel things more intensely anyway, so that’s just par for the course for me, being an empath and bipolar and emotionally sensitive and all. :-p It doesn’t really FEEL like a “break up”, to be honest. It feels more like a “break”, but he’s just calling it a “break up” because he bad-mouthed me so badly to his friends and family that if they knew he was still seeing me and trying to kinda-sorta patch things up with me, they would probably be a little confused and maybe a bit pissed (his family especially). He would have to eat crow if we technically “got back together”. So I think that’s why he’s putting it off for as long as he can. Because he’s scared of the consequences of his actions. Just like always. Because that’s just how he is.

So folks, there you have it. The “whole” story, as best I can tell it right this moment in response to Mary’s question and the article in question. Hope that sheds some light on some things and if you think I’m being a total dumbass when it comes to Eric, you are probably right, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m going to do what I’m going to do. *shrugs* The heart wants what the hearts wants, and the heart always gets what it wants when it comes to me. I don’t use rationale much. :-p

Mandy out!

Sex With the Ex

Was a bad idea.

I should have never given into him, but I was horny as hell and also just as desperate, if not more so, to keep him needing me and wanting me and wanting to see me regularly, because I miss him so fiercely that it physically pains me, as well as obviously causing me great emotional distress. And I didn’t want him seeking out other ways, aka other girls through one night stands or dating, to get his “needs” met. Because he is a virile young man and horny as a fucking rabbit.

But while the whole arrangement seemed “okay”, it had me emotionally topsy-turvy and on a rollercoaster and it all spun out of control, coming off the rails (both of us), so to speak.

So I don’t think we’ll be speaking to each other, much less spending any time (especially not “quality” time) together. So there probably won’t be much mention of actual sex intercourse had by me in here, unless it’s in the past tense. Just wanted to give y’all a heads up.

💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔 😥



Um….So, okay, things have maybe changed? I honestly don’t know what’s going on with my “relationship status” or with the man I love right now. I’m just confused and…lost as fuck…

So I guess I possibly WILL be continuing to write about sexual exploits with him.

*falls over from dizziness from head spinning from all this emotional craziness*




P.S.- I’m going to go T.M.I. here and just add in that I’m wearing a buttplug as I’m writing the edit of this post, in prep for something Eric owes me, which I will mention in my next blog post, lol. Now that you have that lovely mental image in your head, I will end my deviousness, and go back to my devilish little doings. 😉

Lifting the Cloud of Despair

Written 2014.


Sometimes, I question why I want to become a therapist/psychologist at all. There are just days where listening to the fucked-up problems of the people around me is just too much for me, too overwhelming, too emotionally taxing. It drains me and leaves me feeling empty and hallow. It strains me and takes too much out of me some days, and I’m not sure if that’s because we’re messing with my meds again or that I just am not cut out for this job. But then I remember my natural talent and gift for this, how easily it comes to me to analyze people emotionally. And how I want to help people, help them overcome their fucked-up lives and start newer, better ones, healthier ones. I want to help make people happy and more satisfied with their lives. I also think I need to work on investing my time and energy into building relationships with people, be that friends or clients or future clients or coworkers or sponsors or bosses or family members or even my own fiance. I need to start being more involved with people instead of distancing myself because I get overwhelmed trying to deal with all of their stuff on top of the stuff I go through internally myself. I need to be more invested in others when I’m with them then I am with myself. I know, I know, I have to watch out for myself and take care of myself and protect and guard myself from potentially dangerous situations, but I also think I’m letting it get a little out of hand in just being way too invested in myself all the time without regards to others. I’m going to be encountering some pretty traumatizing stuff in that therapy room when I become a therapist, particularly a sex therapist, and I’ve got to learn, to steal a like from Frozen (which EVERYONE seems to be talking about now-a-days), to “LETTTT ITTTTTTTT GOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!” when I’m not in the room and to not carry it home with me and let it weigh me down too much and burden me to the point of having a mental breakdown. :-p And can you believe I still have not seen Frozen yet? 😉

Connection Erection

Written back in 2013.


For me, sex is about the experience. It doesn’t always have to lead to me getting off or orgasming or cumming or however you want to say it. For me, as long as it’s pleasurable and we’re both enjoying ourselves, it’s all good. I like the connection to him that I feel when we’re making love. I like the intensity of the pleasure he can give me, which feels like one never ending orgasm anyway so I don’t feel a particular need to have a “standard orgasm” with that “one big release”. I’d much rather have the never-ending pleasure that just goes on and on and on until I have to tell him to stop because it’s just too intense for me. That’s what I like. It’s what I CRAVE.

Our sex life has only gotten better and better since he moved back home and we were able to start having sex more than once a year.

I have a list of goals I want to achieve by September 2015, 101 of them, that I started setting out to achieve on January 1 of this year. One of my goals was to have sex once a week in 2013. Well, that’s only 52 times, and we’ve already bypassed the half-way point of that goal within the first 5 months of the 12. It’s nice. And great. And very satisfying.

I look forward to sex now, when before I just dreaded it. Especially when I know he’s going to blow my mind and send me into subspace with his attentiveness to my pleasure. Then I REALLY get excited. Lol. And I know he won’t and can’t do that every time. Sometimes he’s tired or just wants a quickie. And that’s understandable. But the knowledge that he CAN do that to me, and WILL do that to me sometime in the future is always a tantalizing and encouraging enticement to approach sex with a willing and hopeful attitude.

Now, I just need to figure out how to get over my issues with blow-jobs… 😉 Lol. That’s a saga that’s to be continued…