Eric

Finding the Goddess Within (Part 1)

So I recently read through a journal of mine from when Eric was in Seattle (he went to “find himself” out on the West Coast for 3 years of our relationship) and it’s when I actually found the sex goddess within me. I thought I’d post some passages. 😉

 

 

The Ativan and Xanax makes me feel so relaxed and languorous and sensual and sexy and lustful and just calm yet still a bit hyper and talkative and enjoying other people’s company and just so lush and uninhibited. I want to tumble around in bed, with foreplay and sex, gentle and romantic sex and sensual pleasures being given and taken, in the heat of passion and lust and love. I want to go out and dance and get all dressed up and get a little tipsy or drunk to add to the fun. I want a sexual night with Eric. I just want to be devoured and lavished pleasure on and I want to have a sexy night out building up to the end point of making love. I feel a little bit spacey, but like a good spacey, and relaxed, fulfilled spacey, a satiated and satisfied and disoriented, giddy and energetic and stumbly.

 


 

I have become such a sexual deviant. I am always horny, always lustful, always wet. I crave sex, ache for it. I masturbate a lot but am actually dying for the real thing. I like to around with no panties on or with black panties on so I can see the evidence of my wetness. I like to just touch my wetness and smell it. I am so full of unbridled and pint up passion that I exude it. Jon was able to tell how badly I want to be fucked just by being around me . He said he could smell the pheromones and knew I must be in heat something fierce. I am craving that sexual connection with another person, but only someone I love and care about and trust and feel safe and comfortable with. I practically salivate when I see Eric’s cock. It drives me wild. I want to devour it and stroke it and ride it and just worship it in all it’s beauty. I love cock, especially his. it’s magnificent. God, I just want the physical, emotional, and spiritual connect and union sex brings.

 


 

I want to feel your skin against mine. I want to feel your warmth seeping into me. I want to feel your hardness pressed against me, knowing that it was me, all me and only me, who brought you to the point of such intense arousal and desire. I want to feel your tongue plundering my mouth, heatedly  and insistently pulling me into you, not able to get enough of me to sate your burning need. I want to feel your fingers, your palms, your tongue, on my breasts, my nipples, teasing and nipping and pulling and kneading and fondling. I want to feel your fingers pressed inside of me, exploring me, pushing against me, within me, soaked in my own need and lust, bringing me to the brink and sending me over in waves of glorious  ecstasy. I want to feel your breath ragged and heavy against my face, against my swollen lips, swollen by kisses and nibbling and biting and sucking. I want to taste your skin, your sweat, your seed. I want to feel your cock in my mouth, in my throat. I want to suckle on you until you explode, your hands tangled in my hair, moans escaping you involuntarily. I want to feel you push your throbbing cock into my wet, hot pussy, feeling you cum deep within me, feeling your finish fill my womb, completing me with your completion. I want you to love me, physically and emotionally and spiritually, all at once. I want to orgasm around you, I want you to taste me, and I want to taste you. I want all of you, body, heart, mind, and soul. I want you to be mine wholly and utterly and totally. I want to be your’s wholly and utterly and totally. I want to feel your semen inside of me, I want to feel your cock inside of me, I want to feel you inside of me. I want you to fill me with your presence, your essence, your soul. I want to share everything I am and ever will be with you, and I want you to share everything you are and ever will be with me.

 


 

I love it when he looks wild and rakish and burly. Sometimes I hate how powerfully attracted I am to him, especially with him being so far away. It literally takes my breath away, like I’ve been socked in the stomach. My belly flutters and I just get so fucking aroused. I love him when he’s clean cut too. Rawr! He turns me on like NOTHING else can. It’s ridiculous. He is so dangerously tempting. He has such power over me, to make me go wake and, hell, even crazy. My desire for him borders on obsession, toeing and even sometimes crossing that line. He has scorched my soul and branded me for life. God, I need Evan in a way I’ve never needed him before. I need him to fuck me, not just to satiate this raging intense consuming lust I feel, but to eradicate every bad memory I have regarding sex and life, to replace them with the power of his cock and cum and love, to imprint himself upon me permanently.

 


 

He’s so fucking beautiful. Those liquid eyes… God, when he’s sad, they are so amazing. When he shows emotions, they’re like pools I could just sink into and drown in forever. His tan skin is so smooth and beautiful and soft, his arms and body so toned and fit and muscular. But even muscular and fit, he’s still so comfortable. I feel so secure, so safe and supported, in his arms, so…right. His lips are so soft, so delicious, so succulent, so potent, so irresistible. The subtle changes in his breathing… His voice, his soft laugh, the way his breath brushes my cheeks, my skin, my hair… The feel of his facial hair… His gently probing tongue delicately dancing with mine… God, he’s so fucking amazing and sexy and gorgeous and beautiful. So fucking beautiful. He makes my heart ache so badly. I just want to hold him in my arms, feel his warmth next to me, press my body against him, bury my face in his neck, in his shoulder, nuzzle him and feel contented with him, with myself, with life. I want to slide my hands down his pants and fondle and stroke him while running my lips over every inch of his face, his chest, his arms, his neck, his stomach, his back… I want to kiss his eyelids so gently he’ll wonder if I’ve even touched them at all until I flick my tongue delicately over them. I want to feel him harden under my touch and feel his hardness against me. I want to hear those changes in his breathing as he becomes more and more aroused. I want to feel him press himself into me as he gets closer and closer, running his hands over my body, pressing his fingers into my wet depth, moaning against his skin, our combined gasps and hard breathing mingling to mist each others’ heated flesh. I want to feel his orgasm in me, filling me to my core. I want to cry out as I cum around him, contracting around him convulsively and causing him to cum more. I want to fill/feel his warmth flooding my womb, I want him to fulfill me in the most basic, primal way, to satiate this raging lust love I have for him, if only momentarily, as it’s a hunger and thirst for him, for all of him, body and mind and soul, that will consume me in all my entirety for eternity. I want to taste him, taste him and of him. I want to devour him and take all of him into my mouth. I want to taste his cum, his cock, his skin. I want to feel him inside of me, sliding down my throat, pressing against my cheeks, my teeth, my tongue, running his head along the ridges on the top of my mouth. I want him to tangle his hands , his fingers, in my hair and pull me down on him, pushing himself deeper into me. I feel like there’s a blackhole in my chest, sucking everything internally inside of me into oblivion. I ache so badly for him. I want him so badly. I need him so badly. I want to hold him when he cries, celebrate his triumphs with him, support him through whatever comes his way, love him regardless of it all, be there with him through it all. I want to show him that he never has to be alone ever again. I feel so intensely, so deeply, for him and it fucking consumes me. I love Eric David R***** with my entire soul, my entire being.

 


 

Eric and I go so well together. We compliment each other. We’re like a fine, vintage wine paired perfectly with a sumptuous meal: decadent and indulgent, sinful and succulent, orgasmic, bringing out flavors both subtle and rich and overpowering, the perfect blend. It overwhelms you with a deep, intense pleasure and satisfaction and fulfillment that you never dreamed was possible, satiating a hunger, a thirst, an empty place in your and that moves you and changes you, that you never imagined you could have. We fulfill each other completely; our needs, our desires, our cravings, in ways no one else could ever possibly come close to doing. He is my match, in every way. I love him with a fierce, possessive, crazed, intense, consuming passion. I want him all for myself, all the time. I want to be his number one priority, his reason d’etre, what he lives and breathes for.

 


 

When I said before that I was a sexual deviant, I wasn’t playing. I’ve just become so sexual. I love touching myself, fondling myself. I love grabbing and squeezing and rubbing and scratching and pressing my fingers and hands deep into my flesh and gently running my fingertips along my skin and tangling my hands in my hair, the hair on ALL the parts of my body. I love sucking my fingers and licking my own juices and tastes. I love gagging on my dilators, though I enjoy it more when it’s a cock I’m gagging on. I adore Eric’s cock so much. I worship it and crave it, like an addiction. He’s so fucking beautiful, all of him. I love making dirty, sexy videos. I play to the camera and get much more aroused knowing I’m being taped or watched. The idea of having my own website where I post naked pictures and sex videos of myself is appealing to me, as is the idea of being a peep show girl or pole dancer. I love knowing people find me attractive and want me sexually. It makes me feel so sexy. But Eric would never let me do that, he’s quite jealous and possessive, but I like it that way. I want him to want me, to need me, to own me and mark me and show the world whose dirty little whore I am, whose willing sex slave, whose kinky slut, whose devoted and absolutely enslaved lover, I am.

My Cup Runnenth Over

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My ability to squirt or achieve female ejaculation or female ejaculate was only regained once Eric and I broke things off and once my sexuality kicked itself back into high gear. I’m only really able to do it when I truly just let myself go and completely indulge in the pleasures of the activities being performed and letting that pleasure consume and engulf me without inhibitions or hesitations. And when I do do it…my cup TRULY doth runneth OVER. I mean, ALL OVER. SOAKING. Lol. TMI much? 😉

I wasn’t able to do this with Eric for quite a while, even though the first time I DID do it EVER was with him, and it was just recently that I was able to just relax and let him please me and not get caught up in the workings of my brain and was able to come like a fountain for him. Of course, this was also when we first started using the butt plug again, so that could have had something to do with it as well. Lol.

I don’t THINK I ejaculate when we have sex, but then again, I have a penis wedged up pretty tight inside my vag, so I might, I just might not know it because it gets backed up in the vaginal cavity due to said penis.

I DID however, for the first time EVER in all the times we’ve had sex, leak when I got off of Eric recently (not a butt plug time), and that kinda weirded me out and freaked me out a little. I don’t know if it was my ejaculate or his ejaculate or a mix or what, but something came out of my vagina, and I did not like it one bit, because it made me scared that my vagina was starting to lose it’s tightness, which I so prize (as does Eric). But it only happened once and didn’t happen the next time we had sex, so I dunno. *shrugs*

I just know I’m glad to be a squirter again. It makes me feel like I’ve gained back some part of my sexuality that I feel I had lost when I stopped doing it. And yah for that! Sex goddess mode initiate! ❤

Oral Fixation

I love this man’s penis. OMG.

I gave Eric such an amazing blowjob that he said was so intense he didn’t think he would be able to fuck me afterwards because he just couldn’t get hard enough. That’s saying something. He is ALWAYS hard around me. He practically wants to fuck me constantly. Or at least my mouth. Haha. Oral is his favorite thing EVER. And boy, did I ever deliver! 😉

I didn’t just do the routine stuff I usually do when I give him oral. And that’s what I usually do, I treat it like a routine, not something fun and arousing and intimate and sexy. Except I’ve been getting more and more into it recently. And this time, I REALLY got into it.

I teased and bit and dragged my teeth lightly across flesh and suctioned and did all sorts of techniques that I haven’t done in forever and that I remembered he really enjoyed. I just wanted to please him, and I was having fun myself doing that. He likes it when I look at him while I suck his cock, so I gave him sexy eyes and doe eyes while pleasuring him. He was in HEAVEN. Haha.

I have a theory that because I was trained as a classic vocalist and a choral singer my whole life, that that might be why I’m so good at giving head. We were taught to open our mouths and throats wide and to use our tongues more than our lips to sing words. 😉

I felt like a sex goddess, and he even said that whoever had said that the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach obviously had never gotten a blowjob and that the REAL way to a man’s heart was through his penis. LOL! He’s so silly. Haha.

He seems to like oral more than sex. He recently complained that we had been having sex a lot lately and he would rather me give him oral than for us to have sex. Lol.

And while we’re on the subject of oral, we also recently were able to get his ENTIRE MASSIVE PENIS into my throat. Yes, it did hurt. Like a bitch. My throat was still sore and hurting for quite a while afterwards (as in days), but at least we now know that it’s possible for me to do and I just have to train my throat to open wider to accept that beautifully gigantic cock all the way in. 😉

And BECAUSE I did that, THAT is why he owes me a session with the Menage a Trois harness. 😉

As Eric likes to say, I AM THE COCK QUEEN!!!!! ❤ ❤ ❤

(Ir)Respons(ible)

What are your thoughts on the article? it doesn’t seem to recommend doing it, with all the emotional turmoil that becomes involved.

Good question, Mary.

Here are some excerpts from the article that I think apply to me personally:
  • “Having sex with an ex could put people in a position of technically being broken up, but still emotionally connected…”
  • “Those who stay in contact following a breakup continue to feel the pain of the breakup more intensely and may have more difficulty moving on…”

It also says that college kids describe “ex sex” as a “difficult or negative event” in their lives.

All that being said, here’s where I stand:

I love him. Plain and simple. I love him with all of my heart. All of my soul. All of my entire being. Yes, he is a fucking douche bag. But he is MY fucking douche bag. I want to be with him. I just don’t want to hurt because of it. I want him to be a better person than he was and still is now, just like I’m trying to be a better person than I used to be. I like to think I’m doing a good job of that. He on the other hand? Sometimes good, sometimes not so good… Sigh.

So yes, we are still technically broken up but emotionally connected. We still act like a couple when we’re together. I still feel like he’s my fiance when we’re together, like he’s my partner, my companion. But then he gets up and leaves as speedily as he can right after we finish our sexual activities and I’m left in the wake of devastation. I feel unimportant to him. Like I don’t matter. But that’s how I felt pretty much our entire relationship too. I don’t know why it hurts so much more NOW than it did THEN, when we were ACTUALLY IN A RELATIONSHIP. :-p I guess it’s because when we were in the relationship, I at least knew he was still mine, even if I wasn’t that important. He was still with me. But now? Now I’m not important and he’s not with me. So it’s like double the hurt.

But I’m so desperate to keep him close to me. Even if sex with him ends up being terrible for my emotional state of being, if it keeps him from seeing other girls or being with other girls, then it’s worth it to me. I’m used to being emotionally desolate anyway. It comes from having an emotionally abusive father your entire life. Even until this very day. *shrugs*

And yes, I DO feel the pain of the “break up” more intensely because we’re still having sex and I’m not moving on because of it, but it’s also because I DON’T WANT to move on. And I also feel things more intensely anyway, so that’s just par for the course for me, being an empath and bipolar and emotionally sensitive and all. :-p It doesn’t really FEEL like a “break up”, to be honest. It feels more like a “break”, but he’s just calling it a “break up” because he bad-mouthed me so badly to his friends and family that if they knew he was still seeing me and trying to kinda-sorta patch things up with me, they would probably be a little confused and maybe a bit pissed (his family especially). He would have to eat crow if we technically “got back together”. So I think that’s why he’s putting it off for as long as he can. Because he’s scared of the consequences of his actions. Just like always. Because that’s just how he is.

So folks, there you have it. The “whole” story, as best I can tell it right this moment in response to Mary’s question and the article in question. Hope that sheds some light on some things and if you think I’m being a total dumbass when it comes to Eric, you are probably right, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m going to do what I’m going to do. *shrugs* The heart wants what the hearts wants, and the heart always gets what it wants when it comes to me. I don’t use rationale much. :-p

Mandy out!

Sex With the Ex

Was a bad idea.

I should have never given into him, but I was horny as hell and also just as desperate, if not more so, to keep him needing me and wanting me and wanting to see me regularly, because I miss him so fiercely that it physically pains me, as well as obviously causing me great emotional distress. And I didn’t want him seeking out other ways, aka other girls through one night stands or dating, to get his “needs” met. Because he is a virile young man and horny as a fucking rabbit.

But while the whole arrangement seemed “okay”, it had me emotionally topsy-turvy and on a rollercoaster and it all spun out of control, coming off the rails (both of us), so to speak.

So I don’t think we’ll be speaking to each other, much less spending any time (especially not “quality” time) together. So there probably won’t be much mention of actual sex intercourse had by me in here, unless it’s in the past tense. Just wanted to give y’all a heads up.

💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔 😥

 

*EDIT*

Um….So, okay, things have maybe changed? I honestly don’t know what’s going on with my “relationship status” or with the man I love right now. I’m just confused and…lost as fuck…

So I guess I possibly WILL be continuing to write about sexual exploits with him.

*falls over from dizziness from head spinning from all this emotional craziness*

 

 

 

P.S.- I’m going to go T.M.I. here and just add in that I’m wearing a buttplug as I’m writing the edit of this post, in prep for something Eric owes me, which I will mention in my next blog post, lol. Now that you have that lovely mental image in your head, I will end my deviousness, and go back to my devilish little doings. 😉

Say Cheese!

I’m trying to get back into modeling…particularly nude modeling. It seems it’s what I’m best at and I think I look better unclothed than clothed anyway. Plus, I think the naked body is a work of art and should be celebrated, as I might have mentioned before in here. If I have, it bares repeating. If not, well, know you know. Lol.

I’m also trying to publish a book of my poetry. I’m going to have to go the self-publishing route, as not many agents take poetry clients these days, which really sucks, but c’est la vie. *shrugs* I don’t know how much it’s going to cost to print books, but I have a feeling it’s NOT going to be cheap, and having no job because I’m pretty much disabled due to fibromyalgia and bipolar and clinical depression, I’m having to rely on the good will and kindness and generosity of my mother who is helping me out. But I’ve got other expenses too, like medications and doctors visits and therapy appointments, plus I can’t help but order stuff I probably really don’t need but that I really want because buying things for myself makes me feel better emotionally. Blah. So not sure when the book is actually going to happen.

I have a website: mandystone.net

Check it out if you’d like. There’s a link to my portfolio from my modeling on there.

But I need to update it because the last pictures I have are from 2013 and that’s not an accurate representation of what I look like now. I’ve been trying to schedule a shoot with this really talented photographer who is from out of town and is coming into town in the coming weeks, but I don’t want to go alone, and Eric is the only one I trust to be with me during shoots because he’s the only one I feel comfortable modeling around. And Eric is being flippant about helping me out and committing to a date so I can schedule with the photographer. He doesn’t seem to understand that it can’t just be a last minute thing. I can’t just say say to the photographer, “Oh, hey, hope you’re not busy, I can come by this evening!” the day of. *headdesk*

Eric just doesn’t want to ask his dad for an evening off because his dad would be curious why he needs an evening off and Eric doesn’t want his family to know he’s still in contact with me in any fashion, even though he’s more than willing to rush over here to fuck me multiple times a week. Sigh. I’m just his “dirty little secret”…and I don’t like it one damn bit. But that’s a whole other story.

I also have an amateur photographer who wants to do a nude shoot and wouldn’t mind taking pics of me doing naughty things to Eric, if Eric’s willing, and Eric’s face wouldn’t even have to be in the shots, just his perfect penis, which deserves to be photographed and which I would be honored to have nice photos of me worshiping it. 😉

I’m just frustrated because I’m very unhappy with my body as it is right now. I’m at the highest weight I’ve EVER been at and I feel ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING. I have fucking STRETCH MARKS for crying out loud! I have NEVER had stretch marks! I nearly had a fucking heart attack when I saw those horrible horrible things on my thighs and about cried when I realized they were on the UNDERSIDE of my tummy too, because my tummy actually HAS an underside because it’s like a gigantic roll. Ugh. I apologize for my venting about my abhorrence of my body, it’s just been building up inside of me since I decided to start trying to model again. I’m afraid the photographers will see me and decide there’s just no way they can make me look good in photos and just cancel the shoot all together. 😦

I’ve also got cellulite on my ass. CELLULITE. WHAT THE FUCK?! Again, I have NEVER EVER dealt with that before in my ENTIRE life! So I started using a cream by the company System JO called the JO Maximizer Shaping Cream that’s supposed to help grow your boobs and tone your butt. I’m hoping it’ll do both for me, to a wonderful degree. I’ll let you know how it works.

I guess I just needed to vent and talk about wanting to nude model and look good while doing it. I just don’t want to make terrible and bad pictures. 😦

But I’ll leave on a good note. Here’s a work of art that my friend did for me that is very very naughty. I wish I looked like this in real life! Lol!

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