masturbation

Finding the Goddess Within (Part 1)

So I recently read through a journal of mine from when Eric was in Seattle (he went to “find himself” out on the West Coast for 3 years of our relationship) and it’s when I actually found the sex goddess within me. I thought I’d post some passages. 😉

 

 

The Ativan and Xanax makes me feel so relaxed and languorous and sensual and sexy and lustful and just calm yet still a bit hyper and talkative and enjoying other people’s company and just so lush and uninhibited. I want to tumble around in bed, with foreplay and sex, gentle and romantic sex and sensual pleasures being given and taken, in the heat of passion and lust and love. I want to go out and dance and get all dressed up and get a little tipsy or drunk to add to the fun. I want a sexual night with Eric. I just want to be devoured and lavished pleasure on and I want to have a sexy night out building up to the end point of making love. I feel a little bit spacey, but like a good spacey, and relaxed, fulfilled spacey, a satiated and satisfied and disoriented, giddy and energetic and stumbly.

 


 

I have become such a sexual deviant. I am always horny, always lustful, always wet. I crave sex, ache for it. I masturbate a lot but am actually dying for the real thing. I like to around with no panties on or with black panties on so I can see the evidence of my wetness. I like to just touch my wetness and smell it. I am so full of unbridled and pint up passion that I exude it. Jon was able to tell how badly I want to be fucked just by being around me . He said he could smell the pheromones and knew I must be in heat something fierce. I am craving that sexual connection with another person, but only someone I love and care about and trust and feel safe and comfortable with. I practically salivate when I see Eric’s cock. It drives me wild. I want to devour it and stroke it and ride it and just worship it in all it’s beauty. I love cock, especially his. it’s magnificent. God, I just want the physical, emotional, and spiritual connect and union sex brings.

 


 

I want to feel your skin against mine. I want to feel your warmth seeping into me. I want to feel your hardness pressed against me, knowing that it was me, all me and only me, who brought you to the point of such intense arousal and desire. I want to feel your tongue plundering my mouth, heatedly  and insistently pulling me into you, not able to get enough of me to sate your burning need. I want to feel your fingers, your palms, your tongue, on my breasts, my nipples, teasing and nipping and pulling and kneading and fondling. I want to feel your fingers pressed inside of me, exploring me, pushing against me, within me, soaked in my own need and lust, bringing me to the brink and sending me over in waves of glorious  ecstasy. I want to feel your breath ragged and heavy against my face, against my swollen lips, swollen by kisses and nibbling and biting and sucking. I want to taste your skin, your sweat, your seed. I want to feel your cock in my mouth, in my throat. I want to suckle on you until you explode, your hands tangled in my hair, moans escaping you involuntarily. I want to feel you push your throbbing cock into my wet, hot pussy, feeling you cum deep within me, feeling your finish fill my womb, completing me with your completion. I want you to love me, physically and emotionally and spiritually, all at once. I want to orgasm around you, I want you to taste me, and I want to taste you. I want all of you, body, heart, mind, and soul. I want you to be mine wholly and utterly and totally. I want to be your’s wholly and utterly and totally. I want to feel your semen inside of me, I want to feel your cock inside of me, I want to feel you inside of me. I want you to fill me with your presence, your essence, your soul. I want to share everything I am and ever will be with you, and I want you to share everything you are and ever will be with me.

 


 

I love it when he looks wild and rakish and burly. Sometimes I hate how powerfully attracted I am to him, especially with him being so far away. It literally takes my breath away, like I’ve been socked in the stomach. My belly flutters and I just get so fucking aroused. I love him when he’s clean cut too. Rawr! He turns me on like NOTHING else can. It’s ridiculous. He is so dangerously tempting. He has such power over me, to make me go wake and, hell, even crazy. My desire for him borders on obsession, toeing and even sometimes crossing that line. He has scorched my soul and branded me for life. God, I need Evan in a way I’ve never needed him before. I need him to fuck me, not just to satiate this raging intense consuming lust I feel, but to eradicate every bad memory I have regarding sex and life, to replace them with the power of his cock and cum and love, to imprint himself upon me permanently.

 


 

He’s so fucking beautiful. Those liquid eyes… God, when he’s sad, they are so amazing. When he shows emotions, they’re like pools I could just sink into and drown in forever. His tan skin is so smooth and beautiful and soft, his arms and body so toned and fit and muscular. But even muscular and fit, he’s still so comfortable. I feel so secure, so safe and supported, in his arms, so…right. His lips are so soft, so delicious, so succulent, so potent, so irresistible. The subtle changes in his breathing… His voice, his soft laugh, the way his breath brushes my cheeks, my skin, my hair… The feel of his facial hair… His gently probing tongue delicately dancing with mine… God, he’s so fucking amazing and sexy and gorgeous and beautiful. So fucking beautiful. He makes my heart ache so badly. I just want to hold him in my arms, feel his warmth next to me, press my body against him, bury my face in his neck, in his shoulder, nuzzle him and feel contented with him, with myself, with life. I want to slide my hands down his pants and fondle and stroke him while running my lips over every inch of his face, his chest, his arms, his neck, his stomach, his back… I want to kiss his eyelids so gently he’ll wonder if I’ve even touched them at all until I flick my tongue delicately over them. I want to feel him harden under my touch and feel his hardness against me. I want to hear those changes in his breathing as he becomes more and more aroused. I want to feel him press himself into me as he gets closer and closer, running his hands over my body, pressing his fingers into my wet depth, moaning against his skin, our combined gasps and hard breathing mingling to mist each others’ heated flesh. I want to feel his orgasm in me, filling me to my core. I want to cry out as I cum around him, contracting around him convulsively and causing him to cum more. I want to fill/feel his warmth flooding my womb, I want him to fulfill me in the most basic, primal way, to satiate this raging lust love I have for him, if only momentarily, as it’s a hunger and thirst for him, for all of him, body and mind and soul, that will consume me in all my entirety for eternity. I want to taste him, taste him and of him. I want to devour him and take all of him into my mouth. I want to taste his cum, his cock, his skin. I want to feel him inside of me, sliding down my throat, pressing against my cheeks, my teeth, my tongue, running his head along the ridges on the top of my mouth. I want him to tangle his hands , his fingers, in my hair and pull me down on him, pushing himself deeper into me. I feel like there’s a blackhole in my chest, sucking everything internally inside of me into oblivion. I ache so badly for him. I want him so badly. I need him so badly. I want to hold him when he cries, celebrate his triumphs with him, support him through whatever comes his way, love him regardless of it all, be there with him through it all. I want to show him that he never has to be alone ever again. I feel so intensely, so deeply, for him and it fucking consumes me. I love Eric David R***** with my entire soul, my entire being.

 


 

Eric and I go so well together. We compliment each other. We’re like a fine, vintage wine paired perfectly with a sumptuous meal: decadent and indulgent, sinful and succulent, orgasmic, bringing out flavors both subtle and rich and overpowering, the perfect blend. It overwhelms you with a deep, intense pleasure and satisfaction and fulfillment that you never dreamed was possible, satiating a hunger, a thirst, an empty place in your and that moves you and changes you, that you never imagined you could have. We fulfill each other completely; our needs, our desires, our cravings, in ways no one else could ever possibly come close to doing. He is my match, in every way. I love him with a fierce, possessive, crazed, intense, consuming passion. I want him all for myself, all the time. I want to be his number one priority, his reason d’etre, what he lives and breathes for.

 


 

When I said before that I was a sexual deviant, I wasn’t playing. I’ve just become so sexual. I love touching myself, fondling myself. I love grabbing and squeezing and rubbing and scratching and pressing my fingers and hands deep into my flesh and gently running my fingertips along my skin and tangling my hands in my hair, the hair on ALL the parts of my body. I love sucking my fingers and licking my own juices and tastes. I love gagging on my dilators, though I enjoy it more when it’s a cock I’m gagging on. I adore Eric’s cock so much. I worship it and crave it, like an addiction. He’s so fucking beautiful, all of him. I love making dirty, sexy videos. I play to the camera and get much more aroused knowing I’m being taped or watched. The idea of having my own website where I post naked pictures and sex videos of myself is appealing to me, as is the idea of being a peep show girl or pole dancer. I love knowing people find me attractive and want me sexually. It makes me feel so sexy. But Eric would never let me do that, he’s quite jealous and possessive, but I like it that way. I want him to want me, to need me, to own me and mark me and show the world whose dirty little whore I am, whose willing sex slave, whose kinky slut, whose devoted and absolutely enslaved lover, I am.

My Cup Runnenth Over

romantic-kiss-in-the-rain-live-410358-1-s-307x512

 

My ability to squirt or achieve female ejaculation or female ejaculate was only regained once Eric and I broke things off and once my sexuality kicked itself back into high gear. I’m only really able to do it when I truly just let myself go and completely indulge in the pleasures of the activities being performed and letting that pleasure consume and engulf me without inhibitions or hesitations. And when I do do it…my cup TRULY doth runneth OVER. I mean, ALL OVER. SOAKING. Lol. TMI much? 😉

I wasn’t able to do this with Eric for quite a while, even though the first time I DID do it EVER was with him, and it was just recently that I was able to just relax and let him please me and not get caught up in the workings of my brain and was able to come like a fountain for him. Of course, this was also when we first started using the butt plug again, so that could have had something to do with it as well. Lol.

I don’t THINK I ejaculate when we have sex, but then again, I have a penis wedged up pretty tight inside my vag, so I might, I just might not know it because it gets backed up in the vaginal cavity due to said penis.

I DID however, for the first time EVER in all the times we’ve had sex, leak when I got off of Eric recently (not a butt plug time), and that kinda weirded me out and freaked me out a little. I don’t know if it was my ejaculate or his ejaculate or a mix or what, but something came out of my vagina, and I did not like it one bit, because it made me scared that my vagina was starting to lose it’s tightness, which I so prize (as does Eric). But it only happened once and didn’t happen the next time we had sex, so I dunno. *shrugs*

I just know I’m glad to be a squirter again. It makes me feel like I’ve gained back some part of my sexuality that I feel I had lost when I stopped doing it. And yah for that! Sex goddess mode initiate! ❤

Catch Up Time!

So let me get you all caught up on what’s been happening in the life of me…

My Pure Romance business basically went under because I couldn’t secure any in-person parties, which are the meat of a Pure Romance business, so it was basically costing me money to keep it going, so I let it go. C’est la vie. Now I get to use my “samples” and “testers” for myself! 😉 Haha.

Eric and I are not “technically” together anymore, though we still see each other and have sexual relations with each other and he still tells me he loves me, but only when provoked. I don’t know what’s going to happen regarding us, but I’m hoping with all my heart and soul that we can patch things back up and end up back together, even if our families hate the other person in the relationship now. Sigh.

cupidandpsyche

I’ve also recently become EXTREMELY sexually stimulated practically all the freaking time and find myself having to masturbate a lot to relieve some of the sexual tension that builds up within me. Don’t ask me what brought it on, because I have absolutely no freaking clue, though I’m not really complaining. 😉 Was that TMI? Oops, my bad. Lol.

orgasm2

I’ve also regained my ability to “squirt”! Yah! I thought I had lost it forever! *sigh of relief* Hehe. That was probably TMI too. Haha.

coverup

I plan on reviewing some Pure Romance products that I have, as well as some products from the store I used to work at that I just haven’t gotten around to talking about yet being that I’ve been so absent, and also some erotic books that I’ve been reading. Keep an eye out for those. 😉

I’ll try to update more often from now. Super pinkie swear! ❤

What’s Rubbed Off About Rubbing One Out

I often find myself giving advice to people, both men and women (but especially women), and I’m discovering that I don’t really follow the advice I give out. I am just so quick to put aside my own thoughts/beliefs/desires/even needs in order to please others, and this is especially true when it comes to pleasing my man, and even MORE especially true when it comes to sex with my man.

I will put the pursuits of my own pleasure on the back burner in the process of insuring HE is pleasured.

I also have the ingrained, but FALSE, belief that my pleasure doesn’t matter or isn’t as important and that I don’t deserve or even need pleasure. And I feel that more women actually have this false belief system than are willing to admit. I feel like society as a whole has bred this way of thinking into women, and it’s WRONG.

We’re taught as children, especially in the south, that sex is bad and sexual pleasure is forbidden, especially for women. I mean, in this society, people act like it’s just a “known fact” that men masturbate and have sex, while with women, it’s like a shock to most that women masturbate or have sexual needs like a man does. It’s like it’s taboo for women to pleasure themselves. And that’s absolute bullshit.

It’s “expected” of boys to masturbate, but it’s a no-no for girls, like we don’t too have sexual desires or something crazy like that. Because it’s apparently crazy for women to want to be sexual.

Even as grown-ups, masturbation is still a taboo subject and activity for most women and many are afraid to masturbate out of fear or shame of guilt or even disgust/revulsion.

I too have a hard time with masturbation. I feel like being sexual by myself is a shame-inducing and “disgusting” thing. Those feelings of not being “worthy” of pleasure or deserving of it creep in and memories of my molestation and the shame and emotional pain of it hold me back from being able to actually enjoy pleasuring myself without feeling dirty and disgusting after I orgasm.

It’s like my orgasms are tainted by this “less-than-worthy” attitude and by the disgust engendered in me by my father and my molestor. It’s something I’m going to have to work to overcome, definitely through therapy of course, but I endeavor to beat this false belief system and prove to myself and women everywhere that we CAN overcome the societal stigmas put upon masturbation and reclaim it as something that we have a RIGHT to and to become better women BECAUSE of it.