relationship

Kikkou

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING POST WILL CONTAIN NUDE PHOTOS OF MYSELF. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

The title means “rope harness”.

Just before we moved into our own apartment, my ex-fiance and I did a little rope bondage, as I was feeling a little forlorn that he had shared something so intimate with a girl he hardly knew in Seattle (and the bitch had been naked too, grrrr….., though it hadn’t been sexual in nature, just practice for him with tying knots and such), but he had never done anything regarding rope with me. And I had gone to a lot of trouble of getting into the rope community here in my own city just because he was getting into it in Seattle. So understandably, I was a little upset.

So one day, he decided to try his hand at creating a rope harness around my body using only his memory of what he had learned in Seattle (and from books I had bought from the sex store I worked at and sent him as presents). The following was the result:

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It was very intimate, having him wrap the rope around me and tie me up. Extremely erotic. I loved it. And I loved the harness itself. I found, and still find it, beautiful.

And afterwards, we had absolutely AMAZING sex with me still in the harness. He would pull on it to pull me closer, to just move me around and control me, and it was glorious. I definitely reached subspace that day. And the rope was so soft and supplicating against my skin. We used the Japanese Silk Bondage Rope from the Fetish Fantasy Series by the company Pipedream.

He can be an amazing lover when he wants to be, it’s just that with my sex issues and us rarely having sex, the sex between us had become so mundane and honestly kind of boring. There was no spark, no passion, no…love. Or at least it didn’t feel like there was any love… 😦 And it made me very very sad. That probably explains why I was having trouble orgasming during sex with him. But that’s a topic for another day. This post was just to showcase the beauty of my harness.

Even if it makes my heart ache a little.

💔

(Ir)Respons(ible)

What are your thoughts on the article? it doesn’t seem to recommend doing it, with all the emotional turmoil that becomes involved.

Good question, Mary.

Here are some excerpts from the article that I think apply to me personally:
  • “Having sex with an ex could put people in a position of technically being broken up, but still emotionally connected…”
  • “Those who stay in contact following a breakup continue to feel the pain of the breakup more intensely and may have more difficulty moving on…”

It also says that college kids describe “ex sex” as a “difficult or negative event” in their lives.

All that being said, here’s where I stand:

I love him. Plain and simple. I love him with all of my heart. All of my soul. All of my entire being. Yes, he is a fucking douche bag. But he is MY fucking douche bag. I want to be with him. I just don’t want to hurt because of it. I want him to be a better person than he was and still is now, just like I’m trying to be a better person than I used to be. I like to think I’m doing a good job of that. He on the other hand? Sometimes good, sometimes not so good… Sigh.

So yes, we are still technically broken up but emotionally connected. We still act like a couple when we’re together. I still feel like he’s my fiance when we’re together, like he’s my partner, my companion. But then he gets up and leaves as speedily as he can right after we finish our sexual activities and I’m left in the wake of devastation. I feel unimportant to him. Like I don’t matter. But that’s how I felt pretty much our entire relationship too. I don’t know why it hurts so much more NOW than it did THEN, when we were ACTUALLY IN A RELATIONSHIP. :-p I guess it’s because when we were in the relationship, I at least knew he was still mine, even if I wasn’t that important. He was still with me. But now? Now I’m not important and he’s not with me. So it’s like double the hurt.

But I’m so desperate to keep him close to me. Even if sex with him ends up being terrible for my emotional state of being, if it keeps him from seeing other girls or being with other girls, then it’s worth it to me. I’m used to being emotionally desolate anyway. It comes from having an emotionally abusive father your entire life. Even until this very day. *shrugs*

And yes, I DO feel the pain of the “break up” more intensely because we’re still having sex and I’m not moving on because of it, but it’s also because I DON’T WANT to move on. And I also feel things more intensely anyway, so that’s just par for the course for me, being an empath and bipolar and emotionally sensitive and all. :-p It doesn’t really FEEL like a “break up”, to be honest. It feels more like a “break”, but he’s just calling it a “break up” because he bad-mouthed me so badly to his friends and family that if they knew he was still seeing me and trying to kinda-sorta patch things up with me, they would probably be a little confused and maybe a bit pissed (his family especially). He would have to eat crow if we technically “got back together”. So I think that’s why he’s putting it off for as long as he can. Because he’s scared of the consequences of his actions. Just like always. Because that’s just how he is.

So folks, there you have it. The “whole” story, as best I can tell it right this moment in response to Mary’s question and the article in question. Hope that sheds some light on some things and if you think I’m being a total dumbass when it comes to Eric, you are probably right, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m going to do what I’m going to do. *shrugs* The heart wants what the hearts wants, and the heart always gets what it wants when it comes to me. I don’t use rationale much. :-p

Mandy out!

Sex With the Ex

Was a bad idea.

I should have never given into him, but I was horny as hell and also just as desperate, if not more so, to keep him needing me and wanting me and wanting to see me regularly, because I miss him so fiercely that it physically pains me, as well as obviously causing me great emotional distress. And I didn’t want him seeking out other ways, aka other girls through one night stands or dating, to get his “needs” met. Because he is a virile young man and horny as a fucking rabbit.

But while the whole arrangement seemed “okay”, it had me emotionally topsy-turvy and on a rollercoaster and it all spun out of control, coming off the rails (both of us), so to speak.

So I don’t think we’ll be speaking to each other, much less spending any time (especially not “quality” time) together. So there probably won’t be much mention of actual sex intercourse had by me in here, unless it’s in the past tense. Just wanted to give y’all a heads up.

💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔 😥

 

*EDIT*

Um….So, okay, things have maybe changed? I honestly don’t know what’s going on with my “relationship status” or with the man I love right now. I’m just confused and…lost as fuck…

So I guess I possibly WILL be continuing to write about sexual exploits with him.

*falls over from dizziness from head spinning from all this emotional craziness*

 

 

 

P.S.- I’m going to go T.M.I. here and just add in that I’m wearing a buttplug as I’m writing the edit of this post, in prep for something Eric owes me, which I will mention in my next blog post, lol. Now that you have that lovely mental image in your head, I will end my deviousness, and go back to my devilish little doings. 😉

Catch Up Time!

So let me get you all caught up on what’s been happening in the life of me…

My Pure Romance business basically went under because I couldn’t secure any in-person parties, which are the meat of a Pure Romance business, so it was basically costing me money to keep it going, so I let it go. C’est la vie. Now I get to use my “samples” and “testers” for myself! 😉 Haha.

Eric and I are not “technically” together anymore, though we still see each other and have sexual relations with each other and he still tells me he loves me, but only when provoked. I don’t know what’s going to happen regarding us, but I’m hoping with all my heart and soul that we can patch things back up and end up back together, even if our families hate the other person in the relationship now. Sigh.

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I’ve also recently become EXTREMELY sexually stimulated practically all the freaking time and find myself having to masturbate a lot to relieve some of the sexual tension that builds up within me. Don’t ask me what brought it on, because I have absolutely no freaking clue, though I’m not really complaining. 😉 Was that TMI? Oops, my bad. Lol.

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I’ve also regained my ability to “squirt”! Yah! I thought I had lost it forever! *sigh of relief* Hehe. That was probably TMI too. Haha.

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I plan on reviewing some Pure Romance products that I have, as well as some products from the store I used to work at that I just haven’t gotten around to talking about yet being that I’ve been so absent, and also some erotic books that I’ve been reading. Keep an eye out for those. 😉

I’ll try to update more often from now. Super pinkie swear! ❤

What’s New in the World of Moi?

Hey gang!

It really has been what feels like forever since I’ve been here, and I just wanted to give you guys a little update as to what’s been going down in my life. 😉

I no longer work at the retail sex store, but I still work in the sex industry. I now run a Pure Romance business, Pure Romance by Mandy, and I don’t just do in-home parties, I also do Facebook parties as well, and you can find me on FB at my Fanpage.

Right now, I’m actually running a Booking Blitz to try and book as many parties as possible and even offering a prize for booking a party or referring people to me who book parties. We’re launching a new product line on March 15th and if you book a party or get someone else to book a party, you get to choose a product worth $50 or less if you or whoever you referred keeps their original party date (for an in-home party) or makes at least $300 in retail sales (for an FB party).

You can contact me through my Fanpage on Facebook or through email at purelyromanticalmandy@gmail.com to book parties, though since this is a blog I’m assuming most of you would do FB parties, which last a week and are done through an events page on FB, where you can invite as many of your friends are you want, even men (because men aren’t allowed at in-home parties due to corporate policy, unless it’s under special circumstances). Help me help myself and my team by booking a party or referring someone to book a party through me today through Wednesday, though I’ll take bookings after that of course, that’s just when the prize giveaway is good for! 😉

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In other news, I moved in with my fiance/boyfriend into our first very own apartment back at the end of September and we’ll be celebrating our 10 year anniversary on March 13th. 🙂

So I’m still fighting the good fight with sexual empowerment through my new business, which I just started in January, and still planning to keep up this blog!

And if you’re ever in the market for sexual products, check me out with my Pure Romance business, because if you don’t want to order directly through me, which you can do through my email, purelyromanticalmandy@gmail.com, you can order through my website, linked above a few times, and they’ll ship it directly to you discreetly and I’ll still get the credit for it. 🙂

Au revoir for now!

B(logging) U(nder the) I(nfluence) (of Subspace)

I just had another subspace moment, where I was just so overwhelmed by sensations that I just spiraled into a world of bliss and peace and space-y-ness and being out of it and floating and just riding a wave of pleasure into oblivion. It really was “la petite morte”. Mmmm….. So good.

There’s just something about making love and having your partner make love to you that just makes me feel so complete. I know I’ve written that before, but being engulfed in pleasure that your partner is the cause of is…euphoric… It’s like an experience that can’t be described in words. It’s just too intense and too sacred and too beautiful and intimate to be done justice by putting it into words.

I feel like a puddle of pure ecstasy and calm and balance. I feel like all is right with the world and that I can’t be bothered by any of my troubles. My whole body is tingling and I’m just bathing in the aftermath of extremely good sex. Though it was like more than just “sex” and more akin to our souls uniting and dancing together.

I just wanted to make a note that since starting this blog and endeavoring to try to find my sexuality again, our sex life has only become better and better. Tonight was the best sex we’ve ever had, and I hope I can continue to say that for a long while about each and every time we come together to make love.

I’m going to go bask in the afterglow and snuggle with the amazing man who just did this to me. I am so blessed to have such an attentive and devoted and caring and tender lover who enjoys pleasing me almost as much, if not actually even more, than he enjoys getting pleased himself.

I’m a luck gal. 😉

And a sensations slut.

Haha.

Contest is still going on! Check out the info on it here.

Rolling With the Punches

Fighting/arguing with my boyfriend always kills any sexual feelings I may be having at that moment or for the entire day. It suffer from low self-esteem as it is, and when we get into disagreements I’m always painfully and instantaneously swamped by memories of being a child/adolescent and being made to feel like I was a failure and was never good enough.

It also doesn’t help that my boyfriend tends to do the “classic man thing” and shut down and shut me out when he gets upset and any attempts I make to reach out are shot down or ignored completely

But as Wendy Strgar so precisely stated it in her book that I recently reviewed, love is about holding what is lovable about a person in one hand and what is not so lovable about them in the other hand and finding a balance where we cultivate reasons to stay and constantly remember to remember all the reasons we love that person, especially during the darkest hours or a relationship (or “seasons” as she calls them).

I also pointed out a quote from the book about seeing things are “they are” rather than as “we are”, meaning we should take a step back from whatever situation we’re in and take an objective perspective (ha, that rhymed!) and to really look at it from all sides. I’m not the only one hurting in the situation and it helps to remember that.

We also sometimes have to put our lover’s needs above our own, so even if my first attempt to reach out falls on deaf ears, maybe my second or third or hell, even the fourth won’t. And love is about showing up for the other person when they need you, even if they don’t show up for you all the time, because love is not about keeping score, but about being the best person you can be to that person because of the love you feel for that person.

I’m having to relearn all these lessons, as even though my boyfriend and I have been together for over 9 years, it’s like we’re in a whole new relationship because he was gone for so long and our relationship wasn’t really a good or healthy one before he left anyways.

He’s been home for a little under a year now, and for the first time in our lives our relationship is something it’s never been: stable and healthy.

We’ve both grown up a lot and are learning to navigate this relationship as adults instead of the children we were in the beginning, and even middle, of our relationship. So it’s like everything is brand new again.

But he’s worth all the ups and downs and this relationship is worth fighting for. No one ever promised us love would be easy, just that it would be worth it. And he is definitely worth it. WE are definitely worth it.

And that’s all I’ve got to say about that.

And that make-up sex is damn good. Lol! 😉

 

******Don’t forget the contest going on! All the information is on the blog or you can click here to read the post!*****