sex goddess

Finding the Goddess Within (Part 1)

So I recently read through a journal of mine from when Eric was in Seattle (he went to “find himself” out on the West Coast for 3 years of our relationship) and it’s when I actually found the sex goddess within me. I thought I’d post some passages. 😉

 

 

The Ativan and Xanax makes me feel so relaxed and languorous and sensual and sexy and lustful and just calm yet still a bit hyper and talkative and enjoying other people’s company and just so lush and uninhibited. I want to tumble around in bed, with foreplay and sex, gentle and romantic sex and sensual pleasures being given and taken, in the heat of passion and lust and love. I want to go out and dance and get all dressed up and get a little tipsy or drunk to add to the fun. I want a sexual night with Eric. I just want to be devoured and lavished pleasure on and I want to have a sexy night out building up to the end point of making love. I feel a little bit spacey, but like a good spacey, and relaxed, fulfilled spacey, a satiated and satisfied and disoriented, giddy and energetic and stumbly.

 


 

I have become such a sexual deviant. I am always horny, always lustful, always wet. I crave sex, ache for it. I masturbate a lot but am actually dying for the real thing. I like to around with no panties on or with black panties on so I can see the evidence of my wetness. I like to just touch my wetness and smell it. I am so full of unbridled and pint up passion that I exude it. Jon was able to tell how badly I want to be fucked just by being around me . He said he could smell the pheromones and knew I must be in heat something fierce. I am craving that sexual connection with another person, but only someone I love and care about and trust and feel safe and comfortable with. I practically salivate when I see Eric’s cock. It drives me wild. I want to devour it and stroke it and ride it and just worship it in all it’s beauty. I love cock, especially his. it’s magnificent. God, I just want the physical, emotional, and spiritual connect and union sex brings.

 


 

I want to feel your skin against mine. I want to feel your warmth seeping into me. I want to feel your hardness pressed against me, knowing that it was me, all me and only me, who brought you to the point of such intense arousal and desire. I want to feel your tongue plundering my mouth, heatedly  and insistently pulling me into you, not able to get enough of me to sate your burning need. I want to feel your fingers, your palms, your tongue, on my breasts, my nipples, teasing and nipping and pulling and kneading and fondling. I want to feel your fingers pressed inside of me, exploring me, pushing against me, within me, soaked in my own need and lust, bringing me to the brink and sending me over in waves of glorious  ecstasy. I want to feel your breath ragged and heavy against my face, against my swollen lips, swollen by kisses and nibbling and biting and sucking. I want to taste your skin, your sweat, your seed. I want to feel your cock in my mouth, in my throat. I want to suckle on you until you explode, your hands tangled in my hair, moans escaping you involuntarily. I want to feel you push your throbbing cock into my wet, hot pussy, feeling you cum deep within me, feeling your finish fill my womb, completing me with your completion. I want you to love me, physically and emotionally and spiritually, all at once. I want to orgasm around you, I want you to taste me, and I want to taste you. I want all of you, body, heart, mind, and soul. I want you to be mine wholly and utterly and totally. I want to be your’s wholly and utterly and totally. I want to feel your semen inside of me, I want to feel your cock inside of me, I want to feel you inside of me. I want you to fill me with your presence, your essence, your soul. I want to share everything I am and ever will be with you, and I want you to share everything you are and ever will be with me.

 


 

I love it when he looks wild and rakish and burly. Sometimes I hate how powerfully attracted I am to him, especially with him being so far away. It literally takes my breath away, like I’ve been socked in the stomach. My belly flutters and I just get so fucking aroused. I love him when he’s clean cut too. Rawr! He turns me on like NOTHING else can. It’s ridiculous. He is so dangerously tempting. He has such power over me, to make me go wake and, hell, even crazy. My desire for him borders on obsession, toeing and even sometimes crossing that line. He has scorched my soul and branded me for life. God, I need Evan in a way I’ve never needed him before. I need him to fuck me, not just to satiate this raging intense consuming lust I feel, but to eradicate every bad memory I have regarding sex and life, to replace them with the power of his cock and cum and love, to imprint himself upon me permanently.

 


 

He’s so fucking beautiful. Those liquid eyes… God, when he’s sad, they are so amazing. When he shows emotions, they’re like pools I could just sink into and drown in forever. His tan skin is so smooth and beautiful and soft, his arms and body so toned and fit and muscular. But even muscular and fit, he’s still so comfortable. I feel so secure, so safe and supported, in his arms, so…right. His lips are so soft, so delicious, so succulent, so potent, so irresistible. The subtle changes in his breathing… His voice, his soft laugh, the way his breath brushes my cheeks, my skin, my hair… The feel of his facial hair… His gently probing tongue delicately dancing with mine… God, he’s so fucking amazing and sexy and gorgeous and beautiful. So fucking beautiful. He makes my heart ache so badly. I just want to hold him in my arms, feel his warmth next to me, press my body against him, bury my face in his neck, in his shoulder, nuzzle him and feel contented with him, with myself, with life. I want to slide my hands down his pants and fondle and stroke him while running my lips over every inch of his face, his chest, his arms, his neck, his stomach, his back… I want to kiss his eyelids so gently he’ll wonder if I’ve even touched them at all until I flick my tongue delicately over them. I want to feel him harden under my touch and feel his hardness against me. I want to hear those changes in his breathing as he becomes more and more aroused. I want to feel him press himself into me as he gets closer and closer, running his hands over my body, pressing his fingers into my wet depth, moaning against his skin, our combined gasps and hard breathing mingling to mist each others’ heated flesh. I want to feel his orgasm in me, filling me to my core. I want to cry out as I cum around him, contracting around him convulsively and causing him to cum more. I want to fill/feel his warmth flooding my womb, I want him to fulfill me in the most basic, primal way, to satiate this raging lust love I have for him, if only momentarily, as it’s a hunger and thirst for him, for all of him, body and mind and soul, that will consume me in all my entirety for eternity. I want to taste him, taste him and of him. I want to devour him and take all of him into my mouth. I want to taste his cum, his cock, his skin. I want to feel him inside of me, sliding down my throat, pressing against my cheeks, my teeth, my tongue, running his head along the ridges on the top of my mouth. I want him to tangle his hands , his fingers, in my hair and pull me down on him, pushing himself deeper into me. I feel like there’s a blackhole in my chest, sucking everything internally inside of me into oblivion. I ache so badly for him. I want him so badly. I need him so badly. I want to hold him when he cries, celebrate his triumphs with him, support him through whatever comes his way, love him regardless of it all, be there with him through it all. I want to show him that he never has to be alone ever again. I feel so intensely, so deeply, for him and it fucking consumes me. I love Eric David R***** with my entire soul, my entire being.

 


 

Eric and I go so well together. We compliment each other. We’re like a fine, vintage wine paired perfectly with a sumptuous meal: decadent and indulgent, sinful and succulent, orgasmic, bringing out flavors both subtle and rich and overpowering, the perfect blend. It overwhelms you with a deep, intense pleasure and satisfaction and fulfillment that you never dreamed was possible, satiating a hunger, a thirst, an empty place in your and that moves you and changes you, that you never imagined you could have. We fulfill each other completely; our needs, our desires, our cravings, in ways no one else could ever possibly come close to doing. He is my match, in every way. I love him with a fierce, possessive, crazed, intense, consuming passion. I want him all for myself, all the time. I want to be his number one priority, his reason d’etre, what he lives and breathes for.

 


 

When I said before that I was a sexual deviant, I wasn’t playing. I’ve just become so sexual. I love touching myself, fondling myself. I love grabbing and squeezing and rubbing and scratching and pressing my fingers and hands deep into my flesh and gently running my fingertips along my skin and tangling my hands in my hair, the hair on ALL the parts of my body. I love sucking my fingers and licking my own juices and tastes. I love gagging on my dilators, though I enjoy it more when it’s a cock I’m gagging on. I adore Eric’s cock so much. I worship it and crave it, like an addiction. He’s so fucking beautiful, all of him. I love making dirty, sexy videos. I play to the camera and get much more aroused knowing I’m being taped or watched. The idea of having my own website where I post naked pictures and sex videos of myself is appealing to me, as is the idea of being a peep show girl or pole dancer. I love knowing people find me attractive and want me sexually. It makes me feel so sexy. But Eric would never let me do that, he’s quite jealous and possessive, but I like it that way. I want him to want me, to need me, to own me and mark me and show the world whose dirty little whore I am, whose willing sex slave, whose kinky slut, whose devoted and absolutely enslaved lover, I am.

My Cup Runnenth Over

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My ability to squirt or achieve female ejaculation or female ejaculate was only regained once Eric and I broke things off and once my sexuality kicked itself back into high gear. I’m only really able to do it when I truly just let myself go and completely indulge in the pleasures of the activities being performed and letting that pleasure consume and engulf me without inhibitions or hesitations. And when I do do it…my cup TRULY doth runneth OVER. I mean, ALL OVER. SOAKING. Lol. TMI much? 😉

I wasn’t able to do this with Eric for quite a while, even though the first time I DID do it EVER was with him, and it was just recently that I was able to just relax and let him please me and not get caught up in the workings of my brain and was able to come like a fountain for him. Of course, this was also when we first started using the butt plug again, so that could have had something to do with it as well. Lol.

I don’t THINK I ejaculate when we have sex, but then again, I have a penis wedged up pretty tight inside my vag, so I might, I just might not know it because it gets backed up in the vaginal cavity due to said penis.

I DID however, for the first time EVER in all the times we’ve had sex, leak when I got off of Eric recently (not a butt plug time), and that kinda weirded me out and freaked me out a little. I don’t know if it was my ejaculate or his ejaculate or a mix or what, but something came out of my vagina, and I did not like it one bit, because it made me scared that my vagina was starting to lose it’s tightness, which I so prize (as does Eric). But it only happened once and didn’t happen the next time we had sex, so I dunno. *shrugs*

I just know I’m glad to be a squirter again. It makes me feel like I’ve gained back some part of my sexuality that I feel I had lost when I stopped doing it. And yah for that! Sex goddess mode initiate! ❤

Oral Fixation

I love this man’s penis. OMG.

I gave Eric such an amazing blowjob that he said was so intense he didn’t think he would be able to fuck me afterwards because he just couldn’t get hard enough. That’s saying something. He is ALWAYS hard around me. He practically wants to fuck me constantly. Or at least my mouth. Haha. Oral is his favorite thing EVER. And boy, did I ever deliver! 😉

I didn’t just do the routine stuff I usually do when I give him oral. And that’s what I usually do, I treat it like a routine, not something fun and arousing and intimate and sexy. Except I’ve been getting more and more into it recently. And this time, I REALLY got into it.

I teased and bit and dragged my teeth lightly across flesh and suctioned and did all sorts of techniques that I haven’t done in forever and that I remembered he really enjoyed. I just wanted to please him, and I was having fun myself doing that. He likes it when I look at him while I suck his cock, so I gave him sexy eyes and doe eyes while pleasuring him. He was in HEAVEN. Haha.

I have a theory that because I was trained as a classic vocalist and a choral singer my whole life, that that might be why I’m so good at giving head. We were taught to open our mouths and throats wide and to use our tongues more than our lips to sing words. 😉

I felt like a sex goddess, and he even said that whoever had said that the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach obviously had never gotten a blowjob and that the REAL way to a man’s heart was through his penis. LOL! He’s so silly. Haha.

He seems to like oral more than sex. He recently complained that we had been having sex a lot lately and he would rather me give him oral than for us to have sex. Lol.

And while we’re on the subject of oral, we also recently were able to get his ENTIRE MASSIVE PENIS into my throat. Yes, it did hurt. Like a bitch. My throat was still sore and hurting for quite a while afterwards (as in days), but at least we now know that it’s possible for me to do and I just have to train my throat to open wider to accept that beautifully gigantic cock all the way in. 😉

And BECAUSE I did that, THAT is why he owes me a session with the Menage a Trois harness. 😉

As Eric likes to say, I AM THE COCK QUEEN!!!!! ❤ ❤ ❤

Publically Indecent

Written in 2013.

 

We were naughty the other day. Hehe.

He came by my work and we had a little “rendezvous” after we had dinner in the parking lot across the street from my job while I was on break.

We didn’t get too freaky or anything like that, but we got frisky enough and it was majorly HAWT to be doing something so scandalous in such a public place. Granted, it wasn’t like it was a busy parking lot or anything like that. It was at a warehouse where everyone had left for the day already. But still, it was risky to US and that made it feel dangerous and sexy. 😉

How do you guys feel about public sex and have you ever been raunchy enough to do it yourselves? Do you fantasize about it? Is it a goal of your’s? Tell me about your experiences!

Mine made me feel like a sex goddess again, having such an allure over my man that he just had to have me right there, right then, no matter who saw. Rawr!

Medicinal Therapy

I mentioned that certain medications of mine make me, as I would say, a “sex goddess”. That they let me feel care free and uninhibited. That they block out all my issues and let me just BE, let me just exist as the person I’ve always longed to be, free of the emotional baggage and turmoil that usually perpetrates my world.

I also mentioned that some make me loopy. The medication I’m going to talk about does not make me loopy though, it just gives me all the benefits of basically an antidepressant, a mood stabilizer,  and a stimulant.

This med that I’m talking about is gabapentin, or neurontin, and is considered a muscle relaxer, though I take it as an anti-anxiety medication to stop panic attacks. Or at least that’s what it was prescribed for. Now I take it to turn me into a horn dog and to escape the craziness which can be my brain sometimes.

I want to talk to my psychiatrist about making this an every day med for me, or talking to a therapist who can talk to my psych and convince him, if they think it’s a good idea, to let me use this med as a form of treatment for my sexual dysfunction and low libido while I’m also doing therapy in conjunction with it.

The med doesn’t do much for my panic attacks anyway, but it makes me feel 1000 times better about sex and sexuality than I do when I’m not on it. Alongside therapy, if I could take this med every day, I could see myself becoming the woman I always wanted to be.

The only drawbacks are that the dosage I have to take of the meds to feel this way is pretty high and also that the med is only supposed to last for four hours. I worry that the large dosage and needing to take it multiple times a day could lead to addiction and dependency on the medication, and that’s something I don’t want at all.

I wonder if this is just a side effect that I am getting or if other women have experienced this phenomenon as well. I’m going to have to do more research on it and get back to you guys about what I find out. And if there are a lot of people, not just women, who get this side effect of increased sexual desire, then I feel more research should be done into using this medication to combat sexual dysfunction in people and for making it for that purpose and making it safer to use for that purpose.

It’s just SUCH an AMAZING feeling to actually DESIRE and CRAVE sex and sexualness for me, but I usually feel such revulsion and disgust and shame and guilt and reluctance to be sexual and an actual aversion to being sexual in any way, shape, or form.

I actually used to feel that high sexual desire naturally, back before I was medicated for my bipolar, so I attribute that high sexual desire to my manic phases and my mania, but with this med, it gives me that desire back, without all the pitfalls of actual mania.

I want to be l’allumeuse again. The “cock tease” or “cock queen” or “sex goddess”. I want to be that desirous of sex again.

So I will do my research on this medication and talk to doctors and therapists and even my pharmacists and see what they all think about this newfound idea I have. Because this med has revolutionized my world and I would really like to find a way to feel this damn GOOD all the freaking time.

Ah My Goddess!

When I am overly medicated (aka when I take too much of certain medications of mine), I become an absolute sex GODDESS. And it’s AMAZING.

I get loopy and let go of my inhibitions and just seem to forget about everything that holds me back during sex. I just go for it and actually WANT it and enjoy it more so than usual.

It still does hurt, but less so than usual, and I actually kinda like the pain. I am a little bit of a masochist, but especially when I’m all messed up on either medication or alcohol, because alcohol can have the same effect on me in the right dosage.

The reason I bring this topic up is because I want to be able to feel this way while I’m sober. I want to be this incredible sexy being, full of raw sexual energy who just RADIATES sexuality and actually DESIRES being sexual. Now, I don’t expect or even WANT to feel that way 24/7, 365. I would take going into “sex goddess” mode only once a week, or hell, even once a month, without having to use/abuse potentially toxic substances.

And that’s my goal in this whole sexuality journey. To get to that “sex goddess” point.

I feel GOOD when I get into that mode, and I would LOVE to be as free as I am in that mindset in my regular life. I have no reservations, nothing holding me back. It’s wonderful. I crave that feeling like no one else, that carefree, balls-to-the-wall, throw-my-cares-to-the-wind state of existence. CRAVE it. Feeling that good is like a drug in itself, and like I said, I’m hoping to find a way to achieve that naturally and healthily in my every day, ordinary, normal life.

And I would love to hear your experiences on this topic. Have you ever had this happen to you? Have you ever found any natural ways to reproduce this divine feeling? I want to hear your stories and your opinions and your advice!