My Cup Runnenth Over



My ability to squirt or achieve female ejaculation or female ejaculate was only regained once Eric and I broke things off and once my sexuality kicked itself back into high gear. I’m only really able to do it when I truly just let myself go and completely indulge in the pleasures of the activities being performed and letting that pleasure consume and engulf me without inhibitions or hesitations. And when I do do it…my cup TRULY doth runneth OVER. I mean, ALL OVER. SOAKING. Lol. TMI much? 😉

I wasn’t able to do this with Eric for quite a while, even though the first time I DID do it EVER was with him, and it was just recently that I was able to just relax and let him please me and not get caught up in the workings of my brain and was able to come like a fountain for him. Of course, this was also when we first started using the butt plug again, so that could have had something to do with it as well. Lol.

I don’t THINK I ejaculate when we have sex, but then again, I have a penis wedged up pretty tight inside my vag, so I might, I just might not know it because it gets backed up in the vaginal cavity due to said penis.

I DID however, for the first time EVER in all the times we’ve had sex, leak when I got off of Eric recently (not a butt plug time), and that kinda weirded me out and freaked me out a little. I don’t know if it was my ejaculate or his ejaculate or a mix or what, but something came out of my vagina, and I did not like it one bit, because it made me scared that my vagina was starting to lose it’s tightness, which I so prize (as does Eric). But it only happened once and didn’t happen the next time we had sex, so I dunno. *shrugs*

I just know I’m glad to be a squirter again. It makes me feel like I’ve gained back some part of my sexuality that I feel I had lost when I stopped doing it. And yah for that! Sex goddess mode initiate! ❤



The title means “rope harness”.

Just before we moved into our own apartment, my ex-fiance and I did a little rope bondage, as I was feeling a little forlorn that he had shared something so intimate with a girl he hardly knew in Seattle (and the bitch had been naked too, grrrr….., though it hadn’t been sexual in nature, just practice for him with tying knots and such), but he had never done anything regarding rope with me. And I had gone to a lot of trouble of getting into the rope community here in my own city just because he was getting into it in Seattle. So understandably, I was a little upset.

So one day, he decided to try his hand at creating a rope harness around my body using only his memory of what he had learned in Seattle (and from books I had bought from the sex store I worked at and sent him as presents). The following was the result:



It was very intimate, having him wrap the rope around me and tie me up. Extremely erotic. I loved it. And I loved the harness itself. I found, and still find it, beautiful.

And afterwards, we had absolutely AMAZING sex with me still in the harness. He would pull on it to pull me closer, to just move me around and control me, and it was glorious. I definitely reached subspace that day. And the rope was so soft and supplicating against my skin. We used the Japanese Silk Bondage Rope from the Fetish Fantasy Series by the company Pipedream.

He can be an amazing lover when he wants to be, it’s just that with my sex issues and us rarely having sex, the sex between us had become so mundane and honestly kind of boring. There was no spark, no passion, no…love. Or at least it didn’t feel like there was any love… 😦 And it made me very very sad. That probably explains why I was having trouble orgasming during sex with him. But that’s a topic for another day. This post was just to showcase the beauty of my harness.

Even if it makes my heart ache a little.



What are your thoughts on the article? it doesn’t seem to recommend doing it, with all the emotional turmoil that becomes involved.

Good question, Mary.

Here are some excerpts from the article that I think apply to me personally:
  • “Having sex with an ex could put people in a position of technically being broken up, but still emotionally connected…”
  • “Those who stay in contact following a breakup continue to feel the pain of the breakup more intensely and may have more difficulty moving on…”

It also says that college kids describe “ex sex” as a “difficult or negative event” in their lives.

All that being said, here’s where I stand:

I love him. Plain and simple. I love him with all of my heart. All of my soul. All of my entire being. Yes, he is a fucking douche bag. But he is MY fucking douche bag. I want to be with him. I just don’t want to hurt because of it. I want him to be a better person than he was and still is now, just like I’m trying to be a better person than I used to be. I like to think I’m doing a good job of that. He on the other hand? Sometimes good, sometimes not so good… Sigh.

So yes, we are still technically broken up but emotionally connected. We still act like a couple when we’re together. I still feel like he’s my fiance when we’re together, like he’s my partner, my companion. But then he gets up and leaves as speedily as he can right after we finish our sexual activities and I’m left in the wake of devastation. I feel unimportant to him. Like I don’t matter. But that’s how I felt pretty much our entire relationship too. I don’t know why it hurts so much more NOW than it did THEN, when we were ACTUALLY IN A RELATIONSHIP. :-p I guess it’s because when we were in the relationship, I at least knew he was still mine, even if I wasn’t that important. He was still with me. But now? Now I’m not important and he’s not with me. So it’s like double the hurt.

But I’m so desperate to keep him close to me. Even if sex with him ends up being terrible for my emotional state of being, if it keeps him from seeing other girls or being with other girls, then it’s worth it to me. I’m used to being emotionally desolate anyway. It comes from having an emotionally abusive father your entire life. Even until this very day. *shrugs*

And yes, I DO feel the pain of the “break up” more intensely because we’re still having sex and I’m not moving on because of it, but it’s also because I DON’T WANT to move on. And I also feel things more intensely anyway, so that’s just par for the course for me, being an empath and bipolar and emotionally sensitive and all. :-p It doesn’t really FEEL like a “break up”, to be honest. It feels more like a “break”, but he’s just calling it a “break up” because he bad-mouthed me so badly to his friends and family that if they knew he was still seeing me and trying to kinda-sorta patch things up with me, they would probably be a little confused and maybe a bit pissed (his family especially). He would have to eat crow if we technically “got back together”. So I think that’s why he’s putting it off for as long as he can. Because he’s scared of the consequences of his actions. Just like always. Because that’s just how he is.

So folks, there you have it. The “whole” story, as best I can tell it right this moment in response to Mary’s question and the article in question. Hope that sheds some light on some things and if you think I’m being a total dumbass when it comes to Eric, you are probably right, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m going to do what I’m going to do. *shrugs* The heart wants what the hearts wants, and the heart always gets what it wants when it comes to me. I don’t use rationale much. :-p

Mandy out!

No Homo

Just a little blurb before we get to the real meat of the entry that I didn’t want to include in my last post because I didn’t want to take away from the seriousness of it, but my anniversary with WordPress was on August 1st! Happy Anniversary to meeeeee!!! ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤



Here’s my opinion on anal:


There, I said it. Anal=not gay. The end. Period.

I truly believe that anal is just another way for men and women to enjoy each other. Or hell, if you ARE gay, then for women to enjoy women or men to enjoy men. It’s just about pleasure, it’s not about your sexual preference or even your romantic preference.

It’s a now known fact that prostate stimulation, through anal penetration, is actually BENEFICIAL to men’s health. It keeps them from getting prostrate problems and allows them to be healthier than they would be if they weren’t having their prostrate stimulated.

And the prostate orgasm is supposed to be the BEST orgasm a man can have.

So to all you guys out there, DON’T BE AFRAID TO TRY ANAL. Let her peg you. Experiment. See what it’s like. See if you enjoy it. If you do, more power to you! If you don’t, then at least you can say you tried it out just to know.

But please, start SMALL then work your way up to BIG. Don’t just go BIG. This is for women too. Going BIG immediately, like with a PENIS, is BAD. You can tear or rip your hole. That’s not good. And of course if you do something like go big at first, it WILL HURT. And that’s not the purpose of anal AT ALL. It’s to feel PLEASURE. So if it HURTS, you’re doing something wrong.

You can start with fingers. One, then two, then three. If you’re squimish about putting your fingers in someone’s rectum, use a condom or a finger condom. Or use butt plugs. Start out slim and small, then work your way up.

I had to do this with my vagina. In order to have sex, I had to dilate myself with, well, dilators that I bought from a medical website because of all the psychological issues I was having that prevented me from being able to have sex without the help of anything like toys or lube.

The butt is much like a vagina of a person like me, where you can’t just go for the penis, you have to work your way up to the penis.

I just wanted to get my opinion on anal sex out there for all to know, because I really feel it’s a total shame when people get uppity about it and claim it makes you a “fag” or any of those other derogatory and WRONG words that imply you’re “homosexual”.

You know what I say to those people?


And that’s that. 😉

Publically Indecent

Written in 2013.


We were naughty the other day. Hehe.

He came by my work and we had a little “rendezvous” after we had dinner in the parking lot across the street from my job while I was on break.

We didn’t get too freaky or anything like that, but we got frisky enough and it was majorly HAWT to be doing something so scandalous in such a public place. Granted, it wasn’t like it was a busy parking lot or anything like that. It was at a warehouse where everyone had left for the day already. But still, it was risky to US and that made it feel dangerous and sexy. 😉

How do you guys feel about public sex and have you ever been raunchy enough to do it yourselves? Do you fantasize about it? Is it a goal of your’s? Tell me about your experiences!

Mine made me feel like a sex goddess again, having such an allure over my man that he just had to have me right there, right then, no matter who saw. Rawr!

Connection Erection

Written back in 2013.


For me, sex is about the experience. It doesn’t always have to lead to me getting off or orgasming or cumming or however you want to say it. For me, as long as it’s pleasurable and we’re both enjoying ourselves, it’s all good. I like the connection to him that I feel when we’re making love. I like the intensity of the pleasure he can give me, which feels like one never ending orgasm anyway so I don’t feel a particular need to have a “standard orgasm” with that “one big release”. I’d much rather have the never-ending pleasure that just goes on and on and on until I have to tell him to stop because it’s just too intense for me. That’s what I like. It’s what I CRAVE.

Our sex life has only gotten better and better since he moved back home and we were able to start having sex more than once a year.

I have a list of goals I want to achieve by September 2015, 101 of them, that I started setting out to achieve on January 1 of this year. One of my goals was to have sex once a week in 2013. Well, that’s only 52 times, and we’ve already bypassed the half-way point of that goal within the first 5 months of the 12. It’s nice. And great. And very satisfying.

I look forward to sex now, when before I just dreaded it. Especially when I know he’s going to blow my mind and send me into subspace with his attentiveness to my pleasure. Then I REALLY get excited. Lol. And I know he won’t and can’t do that every time. Sometimes he’s tired or just wants a quickie. And that’s understandable. But the knowledge that he CAN do that to me, and WILL do that to me sometime in the future is always a tantalizing and encouraging enticement to approach sex with a willing and hopeful attitude.

Now, I just need to figure out how to get over my issues with blow-jobs… 😉 Lol. That’s a saga that’s to be continued…

B(logging) U(nder the) I(nfluence) (of Subspace)

I just had another subspace moment, where I was just so overwhelmed by sensations that I just spiraled into a world of bliss and peace and space-y-ness and being out of it and floating and just riding a wave of pleasure into oblivion. It really was “la petite morte”. Mmmm….. So good.

There’s just something about making love and having your partner make love to you that just makes me feel so complete. I know I’ve written that before, but being engulfed in pleasure that your partner is the cause of is…euphoric… It’s like an experience that can’t be described in words. It’s just too intense and too sacred and too beautiful and intimate to be done justice by putting it into words.

I feel like a puddle of pure ecstasy and calm and balance. I feel like all is right with the world and that I can’t be bothered by any of my troubles. My whole body is tingling and I’m just bathing in the aftermath of extremely good sex. Though it was like more than just “sex” and more akin to our souls uniting and dancing together.

I just wanted to make a note that since starting this blog and endeavoring to try to find my sexuality again, our sex life has only become better and better. Tonight was the best sex we’ve ever had, and I hope I can continue to say that for a long while about each and every time we come together to make love.

I’m going to go bask in the afterglow and snuggle with the amazing man who just did this to me. I am so blessed to have such an attentive and devoted and caring and tender lover who enjoys pleasing me almost as much, if not actually even more, than he enjoys getting pleased himself.

I’m a luck gal. 😉

And a sensations slut.


Contest is still going on! Check out the info on it here.

Making the Difference

For me, sex that is mediocre and sex that is A-FREAKING-MAZING is all about positions.

Just changing position can make something that just felt okay turn into something that blows my freaking mind. And I know the same goes for him too. In some positions, he just feels “good”, but in others he feels “PHENOMENAL”.  Heh.

I think positions are more important for females though, as I get the feeling most men can get off in just about ANY position, so long as they’re in a vagina. Lol.

We’ve been having GREAT sex the past week because we’ve been changing up our positions and trying new things out and just experimenting with moving our bodies and contorting ourselves into all kinds of shapes and forms. It’s been fun AND beneficial to our sex life, and I highly recommend doing this for anyone who feels like they are in  “rut” or need to “spice things up”.

I think, for one of my prize packs, I’m going to do a positions basket. I’ve got a few ideas for it. 😉

I’ve also got a book that I bought recently called “Sexercise” about using sex as an exercise regime and doing all sorts of crazy-ass positions to strengthen and tone different parts of the body. Sounded interesting, so I picked it up. Once I get around to reading it, will definitely post a review of it. 😉 And will also post a review once we get around to trying the recommended program in it! Haha.

What are some of you guys’ favorite positions? Have you ever experimented with positions before? Is there just one that ALWAYS does the trick that you’ve found? Tell me about your experiences with positions! 😉

And don’t forget to enter my contest! All the info can be found here for it.


I have been drunk every night for the three nights straight.

The first night was really an accident, as that was before all the drama with my dad happened, and the last night I didn’t mean to get drunk, I just ended up pretty wasted from the show I went to. But the night everything went down with my dad, I totally meant to get plastered. Granted, I wasn’t as plastered that night as I was the last night, but it was still a good buzzed feeling.

All in all, the drunkenness led to some AWESOME sex. 😉

But I don’t want this to become a habit or anything though. It just is easy for me to get drunk quickly on my meds and as a Pisces and an emotional basket case, I have a tendency to want to escape from reality, which is usually through substance abuse.

I’m trying to cut back on the use of the meds, as I only have a limited supply, but for serious, the difference between how I feel about sex while on them and how I feel about sex while off of them is MIND BOGGLING.

I absolutely ABHOR sex when I’m on off them. I’m reluctant and avoidant and don’t want to be sexual because it makes me want to stab myself in the vagina with an ice-pick and just start crying hysterically. And it just disgusts me. I feel such revulsion about being sexual. And I know it hurts my boyfriend that I feel that way, but it’s in NO WAY personal against him, it’s just about SEX.

And I know it’s a mental thing. It’s definitely psychological. And I know I need to start therapy. It’s just that sex therapy isn’t covered under many insurances (meaning the type of therapy that deals with sexual issues and traumas, not actually having sex as therapy, duh) and the therapists are rather costly without any help from my insurance.

And I currently have no spare money to dish out for therapy at the moment. It would be about $100 a session or more and I’m in the process of trying to support my family now and try and build a life with Eric, so it’s kinda a toss up between what’s more important: sex or real life.

Some would say sex is just a part of “real life” but right now, it’s not nearly as important to me as other things are, like making sure my mother has a cell phone and transportation to work and that all our bills are paid and that I pay my boyfriend back the money I owe him and all of that. And that I manage to keep up with my own health in terms of medications and doctor visits.

My sexual health IS a priority, but it’s one that’s going to have to take a back-seat right now when it comes to getting professional help, as I just can’t afford to deal with it at this point in time.

So that means lots of internet research for articles and books from the library or stores about how to try and deal with these issues on my own! Yah for reviews for you guys to read! And hopefully insight into my own self. 😉

Don’t forget to enter the contest! Here is the information for it!

Rolling With the Punches

Fighting/arguing with my boyfriend always kills any sexual feelings I may be having at that moment or for the entire day. It suffer from low self-esteem as it is, and when we get into disagreements I’m always painfully and instantaneously swamped by memories of being a child/adolescent and being made to feel like I was a failure and was never good enough.

It also doesn’t help that my boyfriend tends to do the “classic man thing” and shut down and shut me out when he gets upset and any attempts I make to reach out are shot down or ignored completely

But as Wendy Strgar so precisely stated it in her book that I recently reviewed, love is about holding what is lovable about a person in one hand and what is not so lovable about them in the other hand and finding a balance where we cultivate reasons to stay and constantly remember to remember all the reasons we love that person, especially during the darkest hours or a relationship (or “seasons” as she calls them).

I also pointed out a quote from the book about seeing things are “they are” rather than as “we are”, meaning we should take a step back from whatever situation we’re in and take an objective perspective (ha, that rhymed!) and to really look at it from all sides. I’m not the only one hurting in the situation and it helps to remember that.

We also sometimes have to put our lover’s needs above our own, so even if my first attempt to reach out falls on deaf ears, maybe my second or third or hell, even the fourth won’t. And love is about showing up for the other person when they need you, even if they don’t show up for you all the time, because love is not about keeping score, but about being the best person you can be to that person because of the love you feel for that person.

I’m having to relearn all these lessons, as even though my boyfriend and I have been together for over 9 years, it’s like we’re in a whole new relationship because he was gone for so long and our relationship wasn’t really a good or healthy one before he left anyways.

He’s been home for a little under a year now, and for the first time in our lives our relationship is something it’s never been: stable and healthy.

We’ve both grown up a lot and are learning to navigate this relationship as adults instead of the children we were in the beginning, and even middle, of our relationship. So it’s like everything is brand new again.

But he’s worth all the ups and downs and this relationship is worth fighting for. No one ever promised us love would be easy, just that it would be worth it. And he is definitely worth it. WE are definitely worth it.

And that’s all I’ve got to say about that.

And that make-up sex is damn good. Lol! 😉


******Don’t forget the contest going on! All the information is on the blog or you can click here to read the post!*****